Feeling Better

These last 4 days have been good. I havent been out much to see what is around here, but then again, there really isnt much to see here in Hollywood. As ridiculous as it may it sound, its true. It seems this neighborhood is the attraction the whole world recognizes, but i have yet to find anything that really catches my attention, would motivate me to vacation all the way out here to see or experience something. So being, I am content to stay here at the apartment and mull over my lessons and work on my playing and techniques. Already I can feel my chops getting back up to par.

But now to the nitty gritty. For a year now I have been stuck on this one certain girl... ya i know. cute, well, maybe. I never thought or ever perceived that one person could impact my life so much. That the mere presence of one person can affect my whole being. That in the months following her absence from my life, I would become completely unable to operate normally. Unable to see around the crater caused by such life as she possessed. This girl and I, for a short while, new each other well, knew each other with a sense of honesty and respect. All too quickly I fell hopelessly in love with her, It couldn't be helped. As time went on, and through the expression of our music, I was able to let her see the most innocent, untouched parts of my soul that not even I knew existed. I guess there are perks to being artistic, to being creative, and overly sensitive to what goes on inside, there is a whole world within all of us, if you can find it, if you dare to see it. This girl found it, there were times that i swear she was looking deep into it, beautiful and frightening at the same time, because you never know how much your saying with just a glance. When we parted ways, I carried her so close to my heart, it could barely beat to keep me alive. I longed for the day to see her again, I called constantly just to hear only a few words, a few honest thoughts. Within a short time, the calls were not answered, the communication was lost and only sparse words were ever shared.

I was devastated. Without realizing it, I had let her come so close, so close and then let go of without a whisper. It hurt and secretly I had determined never to let anyone come close again. I successfully did it for more than 10 months, and suffered dearly, oh so dearly. The despair of loneliness ate me apart everyday. So vast was the feeling that I sensed the space of planets between me and those I even remotely got along with. I could not figure it out. I blamed it on my circumstances, my surroundings, my pointless job, the endless waiting to get to MI. When I moved out to Massachusetts for a few months, I quickly learned that I could not out run my personal battles. I saw that whatever was destroying me was still manifested deep within. I ran from my problems and ran into myself.

It wasn't until these last few days that I realized that through my experience with this girl, I had shut out the whole world in response to my pain, in response to my misunderstanding. I realized that I need to, I have to, let people in as I let her. That it is oh k to open and vulnerable with people. To be honest, uncool, upset, confused, happy, joyful or just content. Friendship is unfortunately temporary. It fluctuates, up and down, high then low. It's hard to deal with this, because as a child you feel that you will always know the people you grow up with. It is certainly not so with the life that I have chosen. I only talk to 1 person that I have known since I was 15. But these are the relationships you must form, and if you are afraid of getting hurt, well, the fear will certainly prevent any chance of that. It's not worth it.

And so with figuring this whole thing out with this girl, I have been set free. I see how she has blessed me, that I carry her with me in my heart, and I probably always will. But I can go on with my life now, I can let others in, because there is room, and I am happy for it. I felt the burden lift yesterday morning. I had been sorting through all these thoughts in random order, and as I was stepping out of the shower, it all clicked together, and with one swift movement I exhaled the last year of self created torture, and breathed in freedom, redemption, new life. It is really a blessing from God. I remember earnestly praying many months ago for this burden to lift. But had the almighty acquiesced to such as was my request, I would never have figured out the root of the problem, and that it lies with me, and not with her captivating spirit. I was afflicting myself and so perfectly blind as to not see it. The scales are lifted, the sun is bright, but it is beautiful.

I hope one can make any sense of that. but if you know me, you probably know of whom I am speaking. I hope it is laid to rest once and for ever.