It is so beautiful and vast out here in the Southwest. Back East, everyone knows your name, knows your face, you've seen it all before. And each hill and valley is the same as the others, ages old and beckoning all to live among them and die as they die. Out here, everything is dead, the hills are barren, the trees and plants barely survive. And in that, the greatest sense of life becomes awakened within, because in the absence of things living, you realize that you possess a thousand worlds of life within. That all your ancestors toiled and brought you to this present moment at the cost of their life and livelihood. The point of realizing that you are very much alive, with will and intelligence, conscience and soul. You feel and you sense, perceive, and question and verify things whether truth or untruth.
The truth does not need you to agree with it. Our existence gives no validation to things that are true or untrue.
My life, my thoughts gravitate towards those things and yet it still remains that I am limited in my experience and knowledge of this life, with all of its mysteries, doubts, uncertainties, even the euphoria's of joy and happiness, peace and stillness, the orgasmic clenches of love. I want to know more, see more, experience and feel more. Some have said that great sorrow comes with such knowledge. I cannot imagine the sorrow Adam and Eve felt when they were made aware of their disobedience. The steady realization of all the damage that they had just created themselves. Was the first act of creation by the hand of a fallen human really a system of chaos? Interesting the promises they were given of what they could know. To have the wisdom held by angels and by God.. To shed the childish innocence that was their prize possession. But is that not human nature? To aspire to ascend states of being and awareness? To keep going forward, higher, left, right, under, backwards, only that we may know and accomplish more. It is only natural that they would be tempted in such ways. The knowledge of Good and Evil.
Yet if I were offered some incredible wisdom, some sight of the future, understanding of the heart, of the ages, I know i could not resist. I am a son of Adam, and just as vulnerable. I imagine that such great knowledge would drive me infinitely mad. as it has undoubtedly others. Incredible that we are still trying to figure out this knowledge of Good and Evil. That some would live their whole lives in fear of it. Center their religion around it. Suddenly I wonder "Is it our task to know and own such knowledge? Are we consequential stewards of that great disobedience? That great leap into the unknown that has given us such an insurmountable task. I speak as if we are all in search of it. It would seem ideal that the whole of the human race would labor, as a collective union, towards a deeper understanding of what we have unleashed within and without us. Unfortunately it is not so. Amazing to take such a hint from something so overlooked.
For far too long humanity has lived only in survival and not in pursuit of awakening the soul, to understanding what it really knows. Some societies have lifted the burden of the fall, have been afforded such luxury during their existence and birthed us the poets, the theologians, the psychologists, the great thinkers, play-writes and dedicated musicians necessary to spurn us onward and to build on their work. The act of creation is given room at such times and all the years and generations prior usher forth their quieted voices.
It seems in circles of society, certain people only seek for the knowledge of evil, the knowledge of fallen angels of spirits, wickedness, perversions and malice. Other circles are only in pursuit of peace and harmony, equality, perfection. Yet there is no balance. We live in the world of the knowledge of good and evil. We cannot exist with just one side, just as a car does not have two wheels to run on, it has four for balance. We are never whole with only the possession of one side of life. Without the understanding of good and evil, we cannot exist in a balanced harmony. Without understand the depth and destruction of evil, and the disillusionment of excessive tranquility.
And yet where does that leave salvation? Salvation to save us from our sins, yes. but to save us from what is already in motion, in existence, perhaps no. Granted, we are new creatures, but even in this new state, we are still victims to our own nature. It cannot be escaped, except through death. Salvation's fullest and final manifestation is on judgement day.that calls into question matters of eternal security and matters of our knowledge and responsibility after the day of restoration. Is it possible that we are saved from the knowledge of good and evil? I have long called into question the possibility of a second fall. I mean, why not? When it comes down to it, any human does not need the devil to sin. This concept of the "the devil's got me down" is complete poppycock. It's like believing that Santa comes down out of the north pole and visits the children of the world, in one night, with all the prior knowledge to bless them with presents. In no case has it ever been shown that the great satan is an omnipresent being. Our nature is such that we need know one to make us evil, it only comes naturally. These are the sins of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, the pride of life. Yet as evil as some can be, the great artists of ages past have shown the divine through all these countless and lost years. Those moments of divine interpretation of life is the hope that drives it seems.
Do we suddenly lose our knowledge of this good and evil upon Judgement day? We would have to be completely innocent again, what else would stop anyone of us from starting a whole cycle of sin over again? Yet, why would that happen then, why did not it happen in the garden, why cause the suffering of the trillions of humans over many millennia, when the vanquish of the enemy was readily at hand? Really, it does not make sense. Yes, grace is sufficient, but many have suffered, and suffer now because they never heard or could believe it. These are not doubts, these are legitimate questions that pass through my head, and I am sure, have passed in yours as well in some manner.
It is all too often easy to be hung on such questions as most likely cannot be answered, yet again, the truth is not contingent upon our belief, and if it is, there is something truly amiss
And now, here we are in this present time, awaiting the final acts of salvation, yet still burdened with this great knowledge that has long enslaved us. But shall we decry it? Hate it, call it human nature and then forsake it utterly? It cannot and should not be, especially with this age. We are the living genius of a thousand ages coming forth, the access to knowledge, the wealth of opportunity to just "be." And yet there is a sense of vapidness among the American people. Indeed the creative spirit is around and I have met many who see and sense a world outside of everything we can see. But what is causing such decline? Of any time, this should be the time of great creative force within the arts, and yet all too often great minds are forged into computers and out come more technological creations that only further to alienate the person from his soul.
All too often it easy to decry the greed and the selfishness that consumes the populace, but for generations now, that anthem has been played louder and louder, as the audience grows more and more deaf. No it is not merely a matter of greed and selfishness, but an abandonment of the true self. The hushing of the childhood wonder that is choked out at such an early time in life, the faith of a child is stolen away and in the vapid desolation surrounding its orphaning, the person forgets what it is to feel and to be. To forget what it is like to find a summer day as fresh and new a hundred times over, day after day.
This can only lead to the sins that consume us daily, that victimize us no matter how much we wince and wonder what we did to deserve calamity. It is the pursuit of everything else than the truth that is written on our hearts that has become our illness. It has silenced our voices, clouded our minds intoxicated our veins and pounds through our hearts. We talk and we talk, play the music constantly, say whatever comes to mind. We find our addictions and let them own us, we down the medications until our eyes glass over, because somewhere inside, we know that a true and long moment of silence will show us everything that we are not. It is a terrifying moment, to realize that nothing is really going on in your head and in your soul. but as much as it is destructive, It is the most liberating, allowing new life to form within, a life you could never have known existed. This is the soul, the very epicenter of human existence, the human experience.
But perhaps there are sins of complacency. Sins of settling for less than we are capable of. Yet it is almost instinctive to remain "safe." In accordance with the natural tendency to avoid unnecessary risk, we become content to live without any risk at all. Leading us to a troth of idle dullness. Our existence becomes meaningless, and so in a futile effort to drink of something deep we are apt to fill our lives with unnatural things, material things that have their place in the realm of our existence, but never to be our trophy, our "precious." How often must this be decried, how long must the poets and theologians announce this same truth again again and again. Even I, a simple student, see the stupidity in all these things.
I know the feeling of stubbornness, of a self created ignorance that at once dismisses any wisdom that could crack the glass dome that we suspect protects from all the unnamed evils that surround us daily. I guess it is the splitting of that sphere of ignorant protection that begins to rescue the soul from meaningless corruption. I write as if i have found salvation, maybe not so much salvation, but rescuing. The rescue of silence. Rescuing Silence. That moment of realization, when your soul finally comes to life and says to you "my God in heaven, there is nothing running through your mind." followed by the lament of all the years that this terrible thing has happening. or rather, the "not" happening is what is most dreadful. maybe i have exaggerated these feelings. But i know at least for myself that it is true. That without the silence i would never have heard the whispers that turned to screams and turmoil and eventually, a beautiful surrender to the true image of God that exists within. These things are what have become the most true. As blasphemous as this may seem, these life experiences speak to me with more power than the scriptures, at least in most cases. Such a feeling does not seek to diminish the work of the Spirit through the ages, but rather to expand upon it. That the Holy Spirit works among us individually, at His will and discretion.
I see it as wrong to ignore this awakening of the heart, of the mind, the soul, what ever you may call it. They are one and the same, many parts to make up a single existence. But having been given such a task as to adequately respond to this gift is what I wish others to have. We could all be so much more should we have a moment with this "rescuing silence."
What action must be taken to bring about some change? is it something that truly must be written and enacted by each person individually? It seems all to situational, subjective, disjointed. The factor of humanity remains too strong, as beautiful as it can be, we eventually corrupt in some manner. Some in horrible ways, others in more subtle ways, that over the years does far more damage to far more people. It is truly then, the work of something outside of ourselves. But then are we elected to such awakening. Is salvation more than only one action. Or is it merely learning the appropriate response and philosophy of the knowledge of good and evil? A curious thought indeed. I wonder if this essay will be brought up in the Heavenly Court as I am judged for all that has happened. Is this blasphemy? is it preposterous? lunacy? truth? The birth of a thousand new ignorant presupposition. Well, i suppose, let it be none of these before all witnesses, that I do not seek to sin through all that is written, but to further understand the happenings of this life as I have experienced them so far.
At almost 22 I am unlearning much of what has been taught to me. Honestly, I never thought I would be the one to go the completely different route than what was expected, to veer from what I was told that was right. I know that this has been a long read, and perhaps in some ways, enraging, maybe sacrilegious. But, believe it or not, some of us live outside the sterile christian bubble, and things are not so well cut out here. I hope that no responses are formed immediately, but that the ideas are thought over and given time to form. I hope that you the reader can understand. This is not desperation, "new crispy realization." but many months of thought and observation. Of earnest prayer and seeing through years of learned misperception.
"look up through the trees to feel as small as you can."
This or Greater, for the Highest Good of All Concerned.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Lately
Lately I've not been the lonely one. But as I was down at Santa Monica and Third Street Promenade, I could feel the desperation sinking in, the intense feeling of vastness within my soul. Something I have not felt much these last 2 months. As Peter and Clara sleep on the other side of the room, I begin to wonder what's become of me. What, if anything, that I am missing. I suppose I am not prepared for the emotional burden and responsibility of a relationship, and so I hold out for someone as independent and not so needy as would be convenient. It seems I hold out for the impossible, and then when opportunity might present itself, I dont want to answer the door.
Simplicity would be nice.
Things were so much easier in the naivety of my late high school and early college years. It was not so long ago, but so much has changed since then. I've been thinking much of my high school years, of the school and the environment and the people I associated with, my limited outlook on life. Things were so simple then, my life was so prescribed, pre-scripted. Those years I blissfully enjoyed. I had no other idea, no other thought of what and who I would become. Some days I wish to go back, to live an existence without conviction, without passion, without a mind and soul that had learned to stand on its own. Yet, how interesting would it to go back to the time that I turned 17, with the mind that I have now. How quickly and abrasively things would change. I would turn on everyone, in a way, I feel I have transcended my teachers, my mentors, those who I held in esteem. Yet, I think that is the point of being a guide for someone younger. If one never outgrows them, you are their slave, not their student. You become a carbon copy of ideals and life patterns that are in no way in harmony with your true self. Unfortunately that is what I was, and that is what is most repulsive about my remembrances upon those years of dependent and starving youth.
No doubt those years were fun, I was never fully at peace with all that was said and all that went on around me, but I had no idea how to see it differently, no idea how to see around it. I suppose that is what has alienated me most from those I knew, those that were close. I know its not popular among those peers to voice the what is inconvenient, what shatters the shattered image of something labeled "the will of God." But it is so with me.
Dont ever get F#@king married, dont think about it, dont talk about it, dont sing about it, dont think about talking about it, dont sing about talking about thinking about it.
and what of my relationship during those times? I don't know that I dare write of it. I suppose it is the same feeling. The feeling of knowing that during that time, because of where I was and who I was, it was great, or so I thought. Had I only the insight into my heart as I have now, the ability to see through people better, things would have been much different, and because they are not, and it can never be so, I am left open ended and frustrated with my naive shallow and superficial choices. It is the view of what could have been that bothers me these days. The knowing that what has been done is set in stone and is still affecting my life until this day. Making it so very difficult to ever love again, because I have found that I have no idea in Hell what that really is. That I could so easily be replaced in a matter of 3 months has caused much mistrust and bitterness to grow. Truly my perception of it is better, but far from finished, and seemingly farther than ever from having a chance again.
This is a confession to my high school associates, to those who can't accept that people move out, move on, change, shape shift. That I will not defend something that I know is fundamentally wrong and unnatural. A man with a mind is a dangerous thing. I hope that you can in some way understand without refuting with preconceived notions of what we were once taught what should be. When you're 2500 miles from those you once called friends, from your family, from the peace and quiet midwestern towns, all you want is a decent conversation with people who can accept the fact that we're all human, we are not transcended super saved people, we are not "better than them" as one flamboyant preacher once bodly stated, right before he stated that i would be electrocuted by God's wrath because I was not reading the appropriate version of the Bible.
so much absurdity surrounds my footsteps. If God has his angels around me, they are messing with me constantly.
Simplicity would be nice.
Things were so much easier in the naivety of my late high school and early college years. It was not so long ago, but so much has changed since then. I've been thinking much of my high school years, of the school and the environment and the people I associated with, my limited outlook on life. Things were so simple then, my life was so prescribed, pre-scripted. Those years I blissfully enjoyed. I had no other idea, no other thought of what and who I would become. Some days I wish to go back, to live an existence without conviction, without passion, without a mind and soul that had learned to stand on its own. Yet, how interesting would it to go back to the time that I turned 17, with the mind that I have now. How quickly and abrasively things would change. I would turn on everyone, in a way, I feel I have transcended my teachers, my mentors, those who I held in esteem. Yet, I think that is the point of being a guide for someone younger. If one never outgrows them, you are their slave, not their student. You become a carbon copy of ideals and life patterns that are in no way in harmony with your true self. Unfortunately that is what I was, and that is what is most repulsive about my remembrances upon those years of dependent and starving youth.
No doubt those years were fun, I was never fully at peace with all that was said and all that went on around me, but I had no idea how to see it differently, no idea how to see around it. I suppose that is what has alienated me most from those I knew, those that were close. I know its not popular among those peers to voice the what is inconvenient, what shatters the shattered image of something labeled "the will of God." But it is so with me.
Dont ever get F#@king married, dont think about it, dont talk about it, dont sing about it, dont think about talking about it, dont sing about talking about thinking about it.
and what of my relationship during those times? I don't know that I dare write of it. I suppose it is the same feeling. The feeling of knowing that during that time, because of where I was and who I was, it was great, or so I thought. Had I only the insight into my heart as I have now, the ability to see through people better, things would have been much different, and because they are not, and it can never be so, I am left open ended and frustrated with my naive shallow and superficial choices. It is the view of what could have been that bothers me these days. The knowing that what has been done is set in stone and is still affecting my life until this day. Making it so very difficult to ever love again, because I have found that I have no idea in Hell what that really is. That I could so easily be replaced in a matter of 3 months has caused much mistrust and bitterness to grow. Truly my perception of it is better, but far from finished, and seemingly farther than ever from having a chance again.
This is a confession to my high school associates, to those who can't accept that people move out, move on, change, shape shift. That I will not defend something that I know is fundamentally wrong and unnatural. A man with a mind is a dangerous thing. I hope that you can in some way understand without refuting with preconceived notions of what we were once taught what should be. When you're 2500 miles from those you once called friends, from your family, from the peace and quiet midwestern towns, all you want is a decent conversation with people who can accept the fact that we're all human, we are not transcended super saved people, we are not "better than them" as one flamboyant preacher once bodly stated, right before he stated that i would be electrocuted by God's wrath because I was not reading the appropriate version of the Bible.
so much absurdity surrounds my footsteps. If God has his angels around me, they are messing with me constantly.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Feeling Better
These last 4 days have been good. I havent been out much to see what is around here, but then again, there really isnt much to see here in Hollywood. As ridiculous as it may it sound, its true. It seems this neighborhood is the attraction the whole world recognizes, but i have yet to find anything that really catches my attention, would motivate me to vacation all the way out here to see or experience something. So being, I am content to stay here at the apartment and mull over my lessons and work on my playing and techniques. Already I can feel my chops getting back up to par.
But now to the nitty gritty. For a year now I have been stuck on this one certain girl... ya i know. cute, well, maybe. I never thought or ever perceived that one person could impact my life so much. That the mere presence of one person can affect my whole being. That in the months following her absence from my life, I would become completely unable to operate normally. Unable to see around the crater caused by such life as she possessed. This girl and I, for a short while, new each other well, knew each other with a sense of honesty and respect. All too quickly I fell hopelessly in love with her, It couldn't be helped. As time went on, and through the expression of our music, I was able to let her see the most innocent, untouched parts of my soul that not even I knew existed. I guess there are perks to being artistic, to being creative, and overly sensitive to what goes on inside, there is a whole world within all of us, if you can find it, if you dare to see it. This girl found it, there were times that i swear she was looking deep into it, beautiful and frightening at the same time, because you never know how much your saying with just a glance. When we parted ways, I carried her so close to my heart, it could barely beat to keep me alive. I longed for the day to see her again, I called constantly just to hear only a few words, a few honest thoughts. Within a short time, the calls were not answered, the communication was lost and only sparse words were ever shared.
I was devastated. Without realizing it, I had let her come so close, so close and then let go of without a whisper. It hurt and secretly I had determined never to let anyone come close again. I successfully did it for more than 10 months, and suffered dearly, oh so dearly. The despair of loneliness ate me apart everyday. So vast was the feeling that I sensed the space of planets between me and those I even remotely got along with. I could not figure it out. I blamed it on my circumstances, my surroundings, my pointless job, the endless waiting to get to MI. When I moved out to Massachusetts for a few months, I quickly learned that I could not out run my personal battles. I saw that whatever was destroying me was still manifested deep within. I ran from my problems and ran into myself.
It wasn't until these last few days that I realized that through my experience with this girl, I had shut out the whole world in response to my pain, in response to my misunderstanding. I realized that I need to, I have to, let people in as I let her. That it is oh k to open and vulnerable with people. To be honest, uncool, upset, confused, happy, joyful or just content. Friendship is unfortunately temporary. It fluctuates, up and down, high then low. It's hard to deal with this, because as a child you feel that you will always know the people you grow up with. It is certainly not so with the life that I have chosen. I only talk to 1 person that I have known since I was 15. But these are the relationships you must form, and if you are afraid of getting hurt, well, the fear will certainly prevent any chance of that. It's not worth it.
And so with figuring this whole thing out with this girl, I have been set free. I see how she has blessed me, that I carry her with me in my heart, and I probably always will. But I can go on with my life now, I can let others in, because there is room, and I am happy for it. I felt the burden lift yesterday morning. I had been sorting through all these thoughts in random order, and as I was stepping out of the shower, it all clicked together, and with one swift movement I exhaled the last year of self created torture, and breathed in freedom, redemption, new life. It is really a blessing from God. I remember earnestly praying many months ago for this burden to lift. But had the almighty acquiesced to such as was my request, I would never have figured out the root of the problem, and that it lies with me, and not with her captivating spirit. I was afflicting myself and so perfectly blind as to not see it. The scales are lifted, the sun is bright, but it is beautiful.
I hope one can make any sense of that. but if you know me, you probably know of whom I am speaking. I hope it is laid to rest once and for ever.
But now to the nitty gritty. For a year now I have been stuck on this one certain girl... ya i know. cute, well, maybe. I never thought or ever perceived that one person could impact my life so much. That the mere presence of one person can affect my whole being. That in the months following her absence from my life, I would become completely unable to operate normally. Unable to see around the crater caused by such life as she possessed. This girl and I, for a short while, new each other well, knew each other with a sense of honesty and respect. All too quickly I fell hopelessly in love with her, It couldn't be helped. As time went on, and through the expression of our music, I was able to let her see the most innocent, untouched parts of my soul that not even I knew existed. I guess there are perks to being artistic, to being creative, and overly sensitive to what goes on inside, there is a whole world within all of us, if you can find it, if you dare to see it. This girl found it, there were times that i swear she was looking deep into it, beautiful and frightening at the same time, because you never know how much your saying with just a glance. When we parted ways, I carried her so close to my heart, it could barely beat to keep me alive. I longed for the day to see her again, I called constantly just to hear only a few words, a few honest thoughts. Within a short time, the calls were not answered, the communication was lost and only sparse words were ever shared.
I was devastated. Without realizing it, I had let her come so close, so close and then let go of without a whisper. It hurt and secretly I had determined never to let anyone come close again. I successfully did it for more than 10 months, and suffered dearly, oh so dearly. The despair of loneliness ate me apart everyday. So vast was the feeling that I sensed the space of planets between me and those I even remotely got along with. I could not figure it out. I blamed it on my circumstances, my surroundings, my pointless job, the endless waiting to get to MI. When I moved out to Massachusetts for a few months, I quickly learned that I could not out run my personal battles. I saw that whatever was destroying me was still manifested deep within. I ran from my problems and ran into myself.
It wasn't until these last few days that I realized that through my experience with this girl, I had shut out the whole world in response to my pain, in response to my misunderstanding. I realized that I need to, I have to, let people in as I let her. That it is oh k to open and vulnerable with people. To be honest, uncool, upset, confused, happy, joyful or just content. Friendship is unfortunately temporary. It fluctuates, up and down, high then low. It's hard to deal with this, because as a child you feel that you will always know the people you grow up with. It is certainly not so with the life that I have chosen. I only talk to 1 person that I have known since I was 15. But these are the relationships you must form, and if you are afraid of getting hurt, well, the fear will certainly prevent any chance of that. It's not worth it.
And so with figuring this whole thing out with this girl, I have been set free. I see how she has blessed me, that I carry her with me in my heart, and I probably always will. But I can go on with my life now, I can let others in, because there is room, and I am happy for it. I felt the burden lift yesterday morning. I had been sorting through all these thoughts in random order, and as I was stepping out of the shower, it all clicked together, and with one swift movement I exhaled the last year of self created torture, and breathed in freedom, redemption, new life. It is really a blessing from God. I remember earnestly praying many months ago for this burden to lift. But had the almighty acquiesced to such as was my request, I would never have figured out the root of the problem, and that it lies with me, and not with her captivating spirit. I was afflicting myself and so perfectly blind as to not see it. The scales are lifted, the sun is bright, but it is beautiful.
I hope one can make any sense of that. but if you know me, you probably know of whom I am speaking. I hope it is laid to rest once and for ever.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
ello mello dello
Tom waits hit it pretty good, with how I feel about the girls i have come to adore...
Long way going to
Get my medicine
Sky's the autumn grey of a lonely wren
Piano from a window played
Gone tomorrow, gone yesterday
I found it in the street
At first I did not see
Lying at my feet
A trampled rose
Passing the hat in church
It never stops going around
You never pay just once
To get the job done
What I done to me,
I done to you
What happened to the trampled rose?
In the muddy street
With the fireworks and leaves
A blind man with a cup I asked
Would he sing 'Kisses Sweeter Than Wine'
I know that rose,
Like I know my name
The one I gave my love,
It was the same
Now I find it in the street,
A trampled rose
Long way going to
Get my medicine
Sky's the autumn grey of a lonely wren
Piano from a window played
Gone tomorrow, gone yesterday
I found it in the street
At first I did not see
Lying at my feet
A trampled rose
Passing the hat in church
It never stops going around
You never pay just once
To get the job done
What I done to me,
I done to you
What happened to the trampled rose?
In the muddy street
With the fireworks and leaves
A blind man with a cup I asked
Would he sing 'Kisses Sweeter Than Wine'
I know that rose,
Like I know my name
The one I gave my love,
It was the same
Now I find it in the street,
A trampled rose
Monday, April 7, 2008
First Day of MI
Perhaps this is becoming my blog for my time in LA. Well, a year in the making finally happened. I started classes today at MI. It was pretty much everything I expected, as far as curriculum goes. But the atmosphere and the realization of the kind of education I am partaking of were more of a pleasant surprise. I had quickly gotten used to roaming the halls with hundreds of other players by the time I arrived at my first class. The first class "guitar reading" is a class on reading standard music notation, but actually making sense of it on the guitar fretboard. To be in a roam full of eager to learn students all sharing a love of music, all with their guitars at the ready, was a good sight.
Next off was a 4 hours segment of 3 different classes with one instructor.
single string improv, followed by rhythm guitar 1 and then a rhythm workshop. combing the first 2 in the last 2 hours really helps to make sense of what one is learning. You get real time criticism and praise about what you are playing infront of the whole class. The combination of learning and practice is a probably the best way to learn. The teachers here know there trade, they know what they are teaching and they put it to use everyday in their jobs they have outside of the school.
It's much like the CMC, but on steriods and a heavy dose of meth.
oh ps, most of my classes dont start until 1 or 2 in the afternoon.
thats another great academic move, not having classes during the hours one's brain is not fully functioning.
I tend to get along with the older players better. They're not out to prove anything, really. Just there to play and to learn and to see what happens with their time. It's surprising how few "just out of high school" students are here. Frankly, i dont know that this is a good town for someone so young and naive to move into on their own. It's big, and hollywood has much to offer to anyone willing to take the bait. It is nice to be around more 20 somethings than those in their late teens, although quite a few people never grow out of it.
I am excited for these next 18 months of learning and growing. Hopefully i will be fortunate enough to not be mugged or assaulted, that would be just capitol!
anyways, that's a brief summary of today. Tomorrow is a short day of new classes and stuff.
Being in such a big city and constantly surrounded by guys I find myself often lonely.
I want to meet a good girl that would be good back, just for once. One who reciprocates the feeling of complete loss or reality when the other person walks in the room. All too often I get my hopes up, if only just to get them left drying in the wind. Constantly I hear the cry of young ladies wishing there were some decent guys around, often to my face. All I can often do is to nod and agree. Knowing deep inside they can't recognize a good catch if he looked them in the eyes. The idea of "prince charming riding in on his steed" is rather disgusting. Somehow i can only imagine a guy on a horse only smelling awful from not bathing, not washing his clothes, and riding a horse for days on end. He doesnt exist. Often times, and most of my guy friends agree, most girls are only attracted to complete assholes. I dont have money, I dont have my shit together, and I dont treat everyone like an asshole would, so i guess i'm shit out of luck in that department.
somewhere between the tenderness of liv tyler and the lush beauty of audrey hepburn seems nice. Someone to lose myself in. Someone to take my mind off all the turmoil and twisted confusion that goes on inside. Someone to care for and adore. Maybe its too much to ask for anymore.
So many words without the right timing I suppose.
goodnight
Next off was a 4 hours segment of 3 different classes with one instructor.
single string improv, followed by rhythm guitar 1 and then a rhythm workshop. combing the first 2 in the last 2 hours really helps to make sense of what one is learning. You get real time criticism and praise about what you are playing infront of the whole class. The combination of learning and practice is a probably the best way to learn. The teachers here know there trade, they know what they are teaching and they put it to use everyday in their jobs they have outside of the school.
It's much like the CMC, but on steriods and a heavy dose of meth.
oh ps, most of my classes dont start until 1 or 2 in the afternoon.
thats another great academic move, not having classes during the hours one's brain is not fully functioning.
I tend to get along with the older players better. They're not out to prove anything, really. Just there to play and to learn and to see what happens with their time. It's surprising how few "just out of high school" students are here. Frankly, i dont know that this is a good town for someone so young and naive to move into on their own. It's big, and hollywood has much to offer to anyone willing to take the bait. It is nice to be around more 20 somethings than those in their late teens, although quite a few people never grow out of it.
I am excited for these next 18 months of learning and growing. Hopefully i will be fortunate enough to not be mugged or assaulted, that would be just capitol!
anyways, that's a brief summary of today. Tomorrow is a short day of new classes and stuff.
Being in such a big city and constantly surrounded by guys I find myself often lonely.
I want to meet a good girl that would be good back, just for once. One who reciprocates the feeling of complete loss or reality when the other person walks in the room. All too often I get my hopes up, if only just to get them left drying in the wind. Constantly I hear the cry of young ladies wishing there were some decent guys around, often to my face. All I can often do is to nod and agree. Knowing deep inside they can't recognize a good catch if he looked them in the eyes. The idea of "prince charming riding in on his steed" is rather disgusting. Somehow i can only imagine a guy on a horse only smelling awful from not bathing, not washing his clothes, and riding a horse for days on end. He doesnt exist. Often times, and most of my guy friends agree, most girls are only attracted to complete assholes. I dont have money, I dont have my shit together, and I dont treat everyone like an asshole would, so i guess i'm shit out of luck in that department.
somewhere between the tenderness of liv tyler and the lush beauty of audrey hepburn seems nice. Someone to lose myself in. Someone to take my mind off all the turmoil and twisted confusion that goes on inside. Someone to care for and adore. Maybe its too much to ask for anymore.
So many words without the right timing I suppose.
goodnight
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Hollywood
Living in Hollywood for 3 weeks without a job or school has afforded me great opportunity for observation. From what I can tell there are basically 3 groups of people that exist here.
1.) Tourists 2.) aging hipsters 3.) bums
The rest of the people living here are generally holed up in their homes or jobs or school. Really, I don't know why anyone but the aging hipsters come here. I guess its the celebrity complex. I've already decided that once I am financially stable and productive I will be moving to any one of the surrounding neighborhoods. Its not a good place to live. Hollywood is a world unto itself, a world with no direction and understanding.
It's sunny here most of the time, and its warm. So beautiful with the palm trees and renovated buildings. Taking the good with the bad and being thankful for both is an aquired talent. Some days I find it hard to be excited to for the present. Only placing my hope in some fantastical future that may or may not be waiting to exist. Forgetting the present is a gift.
Funny how the evangelical Christians I grew up with constantly berated all the things that ushered forth from the burgeoning etertainment genious that exists here. How they taught us to hide from it. Never to understand and to own it. They complain and fear of the evil influences, and do so because it is their own fault. There is no God out here for anyone to see. It is a shame. I never knew such disdain for Christianity existed in this country, but it is prevalent out here. And the disgust runs deep. A combination of naivety, arrogance, misunderstanding and miscommunication have turned so many away from any form of Christianity. So many search for and believe in an almighty god, but with no direction, with no understanding. I find myself in the same boat anymore. Wondering constantly what is truth and what is biased bullshit. there has come a time in my life where my connection with God has disappeared or shriveled away. It happened over a period of weeks. You wake up wondering what happened? Did I do something wrong? That was well over a year and a half ago. Time passes and you become used to it. No, my faith never disappeared. Perhaps my innocence, my devotion and zealousness are swimming in some lost ocean. So many friends I had at school are fortunate to live in an environment where the test of their morals and true beliefs are never put over a hot fire. It's easier to live that way, perhaps not as good or honest, but sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Tomorrow, classes at MI start. It has been almost a year since I dropped out of Cedarville in anticipation of this attending this school. I am thankful to be here, to have the opportunities I have had. To meet people from every corner of the states, and Europe and the Orient. It is weird to think that most of the kids i grew up with are still in West Virginia, always wishing they were somewhere else, but too afraid to the moves to make it happen. It takes some balls to leave all your friends behind, a car, parents and siblings, a house with my own "East Wing" and move 2300 miles away to a world I had no Idea really existed. You become so accustomed to odd things, that if someone were to walk down the street with a severed head in their hand, I would probably just keep walking like I hardly noticed....
goodnight
1.) Tourists 2.) aging hipsters 3.) bums
The rest of the people living here are generally holed up in their homes or jobs or school. Really, I don't know why anyone but the aging hipsters come here. I guess its the celebrity complex. I've already decided that once I am financially stable and productive I will be moving to any one of the surrounding neighborhoods. Its not a good place to live. Hollywood is a world unto itself, a world with no direction and understanding.
It's sunny here most of the time, and its warm. So beautiful with the palm trees and renovated buildings. Taking the good with the bad and being thankful for both is an aquired talent. Some days I find it hard to be excited to for the present. Only placing my hope in some fantastical future that may or may not be waiting to exist. Forgetting the present is a gift.
Funny how the evangelical Christians I grew up with constantly berated all the things that ushered forth from the burgeoning etertainment genious that exists here. How they taught us to hide from it. Never to understand and to own it. They complain and fear of the evil influences, and do so because it is their own fault. There is no God out here for anyone to see. It is a shame. I never knew such disdain for Christianity existed in this country, but it is prevalent out here. And the disgust runs deep. A combination of naivety, arrogance, misunderstanding and miscommunication have turned so many away from any form of Christianity. So many search for and believe in an almighty god, but with no direction, with no understanding. I find myself in the same boat anymore. Wondering constantly what is truth and what is biased bullshit. there has come a time in my life where my connection with God has disappeared or shriveled away. It happened over a period of weeks. You wake up wondering what happened? Did I do something wrong? That was well over a year and a half ago. Time passes and you become used to it. No, my faith never disappeared. Perhaps my innocence, my devotion and zealousness are swimming in some lost ocean. So many friends I had at school are fortunate to live in an environment where the test of their morals and true beliefs are never put over a hot fire. It's easier to live that way, perhaps not as good or honest, but sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Tomorrow, classes at MI start. It has been almost a year since I dropped out of Cedarville in anticipation of this attending this school. I am thankful to be here, to have the opportunities I have had. To meet people from every corner of the states, and Europe and the Orient. It is weird to think that most of the kids i grew up with are still in West Virginia, always wishing they were somewhere else, but too afraid to the moves to make it happen. It takes some balls to leave all your friends behind, a car, parents and siblings, a house with my own "East Wing" and move 2300 miles away to a world I had no Idea really existed. You become so accustomed to odd things, that if someone were to walk down the street with a severed head in their hand, I would probably just keep walking like I hardly noticed....
goodnight
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