well, I moved back again. I am once again living under my parents roof. I must be brief in the coming month. My tendinitis forced me to quit MI this last quarter, and I moved back to Cleveland. Unfortunately my sister has suffered a severe injury, which at my mothers behest, has altered my course in life to stay at home for the immediate future to help look after my 2 oldest nephews.
this is how my life has changed. I don't have to manage bills anymore. I have my own room. And i dont have to walk to the grocery store every few days.
On the downside, the sun only shines 2 out of 7 days here, a complete change from shining all but 2 days in 7 months while i lived in hollywood.
I don't set my own schedule. And again, my privacy is severely restricted due to having so many people around.
My hands are not stabilizing, the inflammation is ceaseless.
But for the first time in my life I am living almost entirely for the use of others, not myself. What my family asks, I acquiesce, and certainly this is becoming difficult. But Already I am learning much from "my boys." I only hope the time I have with them sets them on the right path.
And of course, my Sara is back west, and everyday I hope she makes it here soon before I burst.
oh k, my hands are hurting. I'll try to post random life things, and to be more positive, as certainly my cynicism has gotten me nowhere in my life.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I think
I think I've lost my voice. I think this city is burning. I think I hear them voices calling.
I think the tourists like it hot. They messed this one up, I think, I'm going back.
I think I need cereal and Saturday morning cartoons again. I think It's more than the
easel in my mind can hold. I think ambiguity is all you need to know.
I think the tourists like it hot. They messed this one up, I think, I'm going back.
I think I need cereal and Saturday morning cartoons again. I think It's more than the
easel in my mind can hold. I think ambiguity is all you need to know.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
warehouses
In a few hours, I'll be headed out to the first real socializing event I have been to outside of school since arriving in March 08.
That's kind of sad. No, that is just sad.
I don't know where I learned to be so introverted, and perhaps it stems from many extenuating circumstances and events in the last 3 years. I'm not sure what to expect tonight though, as I am not really into the party scene, never have been, and don't really plan on it. I don't know how to act, if there is a way to act, or which way to turn, if this shirt looks like I stole it from kohls or a Gotham street vendor. If I disappear then maybe this is my confession.
I can't dance, I can't talk.
Only thing about me is the way I walk.
I can't dance, I can't sing
I'm just standing here selling everything.
-genesis (no, the band, genius)
On a lighter note, I'm getting ready to head into week 2, and my wrists are healing. I've been able to play about 7 hours in the last two days. That is significant improvement from the last 2 months. I still use an ice pack in the morning and at night, and combined with the NSAID that I'm on, It seems to be getting the job well done. I really did not want to move back to Ohio so soon, although I know I'll be heading back at the end of the year when MI is over.
That's kind of sad. No, that is just sad.
I don't know where I learned to be so introverted, and perhaps it stems from many extenuating circumstances and events in the last 3 years. I'm not sure what to expect tonight though, as I am not really into the party scene, never have been, and don't really plan on it. I don't know how to act, if there is a way to act, or which way to turn, if this shirt looks like I stole it from kohls or a Gotham street vendor. If I disappear then maybe this is my confession.
I can't dance, I can't talk.
Only thing about me is the way I walk.
I can't dance, I can't sing
I'm just standing here selling everything.
-genesis (no, the band, genius)
On a lighter note, I'm getting ready to head into week 2, and my wrists are healing. I've been able to play about 7 hours in the last two days. That is significant improvement from the last 2 months. I still use an ice pack in the morning and at night, and combined with the NSAID that I'm on, It seems to be getting the job well done. I really did not want to move back to Ohio so soon, although I know I'll be heading back at the end of the year when MI is over.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Formality and Fantastical Scenarios
this year will be the fourth consecutive year of major life changes for me. The third year of which these choices were foreseen with plenty of time to conjure up the layout of the scenario. Funny how I can never act out the parts right in my head. If I could narrate how the future events unfold, I would perhaps be more satisfied temporarily, and probably forever frustrated.
I am on pins and needles as this new year starts. In a month I could be packing up the residence I just settled into, and moving back east side as a result of my gimp wrists. Or in a month, I could be blissfully buried in school work and able to play without pain, continuing on through MI as scheduled. I wonder if I somehow failed myself through all of this. Or rather, I don't want to feel like I failed myself through this injury. Perhaps what I am doing isn't the most wise decision, probably wasn't from the start up, but I made it without any doubt and I want to hold to it until the end.
While I don't know what will happen past September 25 of 2009, I really would like to have as few speedbumps as possible, as I'm sure we all hope for. But if last year was any indication of the future, '09 will be another series of metamorphic episodes.
It seems that everything I am working on, with, against, toward is dearly fragile, and ready to break apart without a moments notice, without eternities regard. Maybe just the nervous ramblings of an amateur, but so much seems all to uncertain at this point.
2008 was a hell of a year. I have lived on both coasts through the course, started a new school, got halfway throught the program. I've met a few people I can call friends while living in a Hollywood, but I can look anyone in the eye and tell them the East Coast was the first coast, and still is the best coast. I'll be glad when I'm living somewhere where I'm not getting nickel and dime'd for every little thing I have to do. These big cities are absolutely absurd, and in my defiance, I declare that I am too good this one called Los Angeles.
This year I learned that as usual, it is very difficult to figure out what it is I am after, what I am willing to do to get it. But I have learned that it is absolutely essential to discover what it is that I don't want, and am not willing to put up with and suffer through in the course of my life. Here are a few
a) roommates
b) rent that costs more than a mortgage
c) excessive pollution
d) lack of community
e) poverty
f) LAPD
g) dependant on public transportation
h) weak tendons
i) Sarah Palin
j) employers asking me about my sexual orientation upon inquiry for a job.
k) air mattresses
l) staring at the wall
some of these are more serious than others, but most of them entale a whole other collection of works explaining all the inner workings that create the circumstances that make the image of this list of things I'd rather do without.
I certainly, early on, didn't forsee who it is that I'm dating now, even though I've had so many people allude to its possibility. Admittedly, it was a leap of faith, into a realm left undiscovered in so very long. I guess sometimes we just need a shot in the arm, and a serious talking-to everyonce in a great while to make somethings precipitate into a happier ending.
A sidenote to my Cedarville girls in regard to regards to relationships: burn the rules, the cultural presuppositions that the guy is to be the only source of pursuit.
a) unrealistic
b) get off yourself
If sara hadn't given it another shot, and come right out and say what she wanted and needed, I would never have found room to reciprocate. Don't overcomplicate the simple things with needless formality and fantastical scenarios.
my arms hurt, so I'm signing off. I hope 2009 has a good ending, and perhaps an ending much different than I have loosely played out in my head.
I am on pins and needles as this new year starts. In a month I could be packing up the residence I just settled into, and moving back east side as a result of my gimp wrists. Or in a month, I could be blissfully buried in school work and able to play without pain, continuing on through MI as scheduled. I wonder if I somehow failed myself through all of this. Or rather, I don't want to feel like I failed myself through this injury. Perhaps what I am doing isn't the most wise decision, probably wasn't from the start up, but I made it without any doubt and I want to hold to it until the end.
While I don't know what will happen past September 25 of 2009, I really would like to have as few speedbumps as possible, as I'm sure we all hope for. But if last year was any indication of the future, '09 will be another series of metamorphic episodes.
It seems that everything I am working on, with, against, toward is dearly fragile, and ready to break apart without a moments notice, without eternities regard. Maybe just the nervous ramblings of an amateur, but so much seems all to uncertain at this point.
2008 was a hell of a year. I have lived on both coasts through the course, started a new school, got halfway throught the program. I've met a few people I can call friends while living in a Hollywood, but I can look anyone in the eye and tell them the East Coast was the first coast, and still is the best coast. I'll be glad when I'm living somewhere where I'm not getting nickel and dime'd for every little thing I have to do. These big cities are absolutely absurd, and in my defiance, I declare that I am too good this one called Los Angeles.
This year I learned that as usual, it is very difficult to figure out what it is I am after, what I am willing to do to get it. But I have learned that it is absolutely essential to discover what it is that I don't want, and am not willing to put up with and suffer through in the course of my life. Here are a few
a) roommates
b) rent that costs more than a mortgage
c) excessive pollution
d) lack of community
e) poverty
f) LAPD
g) dependant on public transportation
h) weak tendons
i) Sarah Palin
j) employers asking me about my sexual orientation upon inquiry for a job.
k) air mattresses
l) staring at the wall
some of these are more serious than others, but most of them entale a whole other collection of works explaining all the inner workings that create the circumstances that make the image of this list of things I'd rather do without.
I certainly, early on, didn't forsee who it is that I'm dating now, even though I've had so many people allude to its possibility. Admittedly, it was a leap of faith, into a realm left undiscovered in so very long. I guess sometimes we just need a shot in the arm, and a serious talking-to everyonce in a great while to make somethings precipitate into a happier ending.
A sidenote to my Cedarville girls in regard to regards to relationships: burn the rules, the cultural presuppositions that the guy is to be the only source of pursuit.
a) unrealistic
b) get off yourself
If sara hadn't given it another shot, and come right out and say what she wanted and needed, I would never have found room to reciprocate. Don't overcomplicate the simple things with needless formality and fantastical scenarios.
my arms hurt, so I'm signing off. I hope 2009 has a good ending, and perhaps an ending much different than I have loosely played out in my head.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Flying home like color photos aging.
The plane jolts, and I am jarred back into the dimension of life called reality. I realize my eyes have been fixated on the snow covered plains.Cruising altitutde of 11000 meters, skirting the tails of a major snow storm about to sweep my home tomorrow evening. The ground looks like the old pictures from the photo albums my mother keeps. The color photos aging to where there is white, grey, the red is more black, like dried blood, blue and green fade and become the same color.
Home, that is where I am going.
At times it crosses my mind what the sensation of engine failure would be. That sudden deceleration, the falling pit in my stomach as the earth pulls back what belongs to it. What would my last thoughts be? would it be a series of regrets, wondering all the things that I have left undone? Who will take care of my possessions, fewer in number but spread out? Would my thoughts turn to my family, my parents, my childhood? Would they turn to sara, would I be in the car kissing her goodbye one last time? Would I go past, or future? Perhaps I would go nowhere, and face the present moment.
I am passing over the mississippi river as I type. I have never realized how large the flood basin is for that river, with the snow on the ground, the contours are much easier to see. There are wind mills as well, sporadically spread over the hillsides. They are whiter than the snow, seemingly frozen in place from so far away.
Geologists warn that a major earthquake is due in this area sometime soon. They issue it in earnest, as if it would cause some salvation to those who heed it. It's almost impossible to believe that such a thing would happen during our lifetime, or our passing through.
Death is the easiest thing to prepare for, simply because once it happens, there is no affecting its outcome, what is done is done. Or maybe it is that my view of life after death is skewed, maybe its much like this life all over again.To fall out of the sky would be simple, it would happen and nothing could stop it. But landing, and going on with life, going home, seeing family and friends, going back west, making future plans, no, without simplicity those things are carried out. they are interrupted at once by a trivial event. And again a plan must be made before death comes to call us from the waiting room.
The sun sets as we race to meet it coming the other way. I sleep intermittently trying to make up from the last two nights of broken slumber
Home, that is where I am going.
At times it crosses my mind what the sensation of engine failure would be. That sudden deceleration, the falling pit in my stomach as the earth pulls back what belongs to it. What would my last thoughts be? would it be a series of regrets, wondering all the things that I have left undone? Who will take care of my possessions, fewer in number but spread out? Would my thoughts turn to my family, my parents, my childhood? Would they turn to sara, would I be in the car kissing her goodbye one last time? Would I go past, or future? Perhaps I would go nowhere, and face the present moment.
I am passing over the mississippi river as I type. I have never realized how large the flood basin is for that river, with the snow on the ground, the contours are much easier to see. There are wind mills as well, sporadically spread over the hillsides. They are whiter than the snow, seemingly frozen in place from so far away.
Geologists warn that a major earthquake is due in this area sometime soon. They issue it in earnest, as if it would cause some salvation to those who heed it. It's almost impossible to believe that such a thing would happen during our lifetime, or our passing through.
Death is the easiest thing to prepare for, simply because once it happens, there is no affecting its outcome, what is done is done. Or maybe it is that my view of life after death is skewed, maybe its much like this life all over again.To fall out of the sky would be simple, it would happen and nothing could stop it. But landing, and going on with life, going home, seeing family and friends, going back west, making future plans, no, without simplicity those things are carried out. they are interrupted at once by a trivial event. And again a plan must be made before death comes to call us from the waiting room.
The sun sets as we race to meet it coming the other way. I sleep intermittently trying to make up from the last two nights of broken slumber
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Everybody look down.
It started with a low light. Next thing I knew they ripped me from my bed, And then they took my blood type. It left a strange impression in my head. You know that I was hoping That I could leave this star crossed world behind, But when they cut me open. I guess I changed my mind
And you know I might Have just flown too far from the floor this time, Cause they're calling me by my name, And the zipping white light beams Disregarding the bombs and satellites
That was the turning point
That was one lonely night
The star maker says it ain’t so bad
The dream maker’s gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down
It’s all in your mind
Now I’m back at home and I’m looking forward to this life I live. You know it’s going to harm me
So hesitation to this life I give
You think you might cross over. You’re caught between the devil and the deep blue sea
You better look it over Before you make that leap
And you know I’m fine, but I hear those voices at night. Sometimes, they justify my claim
And the public don’t dwell on my transmission
It wasn’t televised
But it was the turning point
Over the lonely night
The star maker says it ain’t so bad
The dream maker’s gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down
It’s all in your mind
The star maker says it ain’t so bad
The dream makers’s gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down
It’s all in your mind
My global position systems are vocally addressed
They said the Nile used to run from east to west
They said the Nile used to run
From east to west
And you know I’m fine,
but I hear those voices at night
Sometimes
The star maker says it ain’t so bad
The dream maker’s gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down
It’s all in your mind
The star maker says it ain’t so bad
The dream maker’s gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down
It’s all in your mind
It’s all in my mind
It’s all in my mind
"Spaceman" by the Killers
For such a great song, this latest album from the Killers was a real let down. I wish this was the only song I heard from their 2008 release. I do not know which feeling consumes me more; if, as a fan, I am pissed at this mediocre shot in the dark. Or if, as an artist, I sympathize with hitting a wall when having to meet deadlines.
So, for those who don't have a lot of time, or money (supposing you still buy c.d.'s), just get this single if you can, the rest can sadly be forgotten about.
On to other things.
I think, aside from spinal tap, I got the most painful shot available yesterday. After suffering from tendinitis for the last five weeks, I decided to go down to my doctor and get a cortizone steriod injection. I've had one before, but for other reasons. After waiting an hour and a half I finally get to sit down with doctor Jaffe, a kind, middle aged general practitioner. We talked for about twenty minutes on the causes of my injury, future prevention, and current solutions. I took curtain number 2, the injection.
The last time I had a cortizone injection, it was about 3 cc, maybe a little more, and the shot went into my hip, relatively painless. But for tendinitis, no, it goes directly into those delicate tendons that keep your bones and muscles connected.
The doctor tells me the cortisone shot for tendinitis is injected into the sheath to allow a more acute and quicker healing. I didn't mind so much the thought of the procedure, thinking it might be a little painful, but it couldn't be that bad. 10 minutes later he comes back in with a syringe that's half filled with the steroid, a white, thick looking substance. My eyes bulged, my throat dropped into my stomach, and I about walked out of the office without saying a thing. But I stayed, thinking the healing would be worth any pain I was imagining. I'm not sure if I was right by that judgment. Jaffe injection 2cc's in one spot, and 1 cc about 3/4 inch toward my elbow. Within 5 minutes, my arm was numb, my face was pale, my breathing labored, my blood pressure dropping rapidly. in 10 minutes, my hand had turned a purplish blue, and my stomach wanted to empty all of its contents from the last three days. It's not the shot that hurts, it's no worse than changing string on a guitar and poking your fingers with a thin string's end. No, its the liquid being injected, and how much room it has to disperse, the rate it is ejected.
I think I sat in the office waiting room for 25 minutes before I could leave. lovely.
Today, my wrist is bruised and sore from the excessive fluid floating through my body. Hopefully in 8 days the pain will be completely gone, I can continue healing, and get back to one of the few things that has given me a true sense of motivation and purpose in this life.
In ten and a half days I'll be freezing my butt off next to a gas fireplace that isn't on, somewhere in north central Ohio. Not that such an event is to be loathed, I am quite anxious to hurry home. It took me 2500 miles of separation and countless lost friendships to understand what it is that family means.
Things with Sara are going very well. It was very difficult for me to move past the last relationship. I had convinced myself a long time past that I was over it, that things were long gone over and that possibly it never existed in the first place. Little did I know or see how that not only had the fallout not disappeared, but had trickled down with subtle but destructive force over time in into all too many aspects of my life. Amazing how little it all matters now.
solidity, solidarity, peace, comfort, understanding, affirmation, compromise, prayer, encouragement, sarcasm, patience, all new adjectives to an elusive idea known as "love."
One last hope
To rise and break away
Above the fading line
Way beyond the ties that bind
This I know
The risk is worth the gain
It's worth the sacrifice
Way beyond the ties that bind
--alter bridge
Being with her has shined a much needed light on old phantoms, on things of the heart not dealt with. At first it scared me, but then I realized I was seeing the end of all the things that should not be. I've heard it said that it takes one relationship to get over the wreckage of the last, and in many ways I know it's true. With her hand in mine, the past matters little, only the lessons learned.
I'll never long for what might have been
Regret won't waste my life again
I won't look back
I'll fight to remain:
On this day I see clearly everything has come to life
A bitter place and a broken dream
And we'll leave it all behind
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
--alter bridge
Friday, December 5, 2008
Morning
Friday morning:
jonny gets up at 6:30, my earplug falls out and I hear him leave at 7
8:45 and my alarm goes off, i pull myself from celestial dreams to hit the off button and roll back over, missing the crescent moon and her shadow.
10:53 I wake up and check my email.
11:15 the stock market has fallen, OJ simpson is behind bars for 15 years for bad acting and petty theft. The Treasury throws 125 Billion dollars at AIG without any clue as to how it's spent, and yet is reluctant to give the automakers a penny.
11:45 sara leaves for work, and left wondering what to do with my day. Wondering if i can practice 30 minutes, or 3 hours, or more.
12:03 I decide if I do go into politics, I refuse to work for any state, senate or administration.
12:15 Should I take a shower?
12:17 I really Hope the school has processed my overpayment check so I can get food and do my laundry on Sunday and Monday.
12:21 I am listening to Death Cab, and decide I'm going to learn "I was a Kaleidoscope"
...remember "I" before "E" except after "C" or words such a "neighbor" and "weigh"...but what about "Kaleidoscope"? vital information withheld.
12:30 a twin engine plane flies overhead reminding me where I am at
12:34 I'll chase any open door, as long as I dont return to who I was before.
jonny gets up at 6:30, my earplug falls out and I hear him leave at 7
8:45 and my alarm goes off, i pull myself from celestial dreams to hit the off button and roll back over, missing the crescent moon and her shadow.
10:53 I wake up and check my email.
11:15 the stock market has fallen, OJ simpson is behind bars for 15 years for bad acting and petty theft. The Treasury throws 125 Billion dollars at AIG without any clue as to how it's spent, and yet is reluctant to give the automakers a penny.
11:45 sara leaves for work, and left wondering what to do with my day. Wondering if i can practice 30 minutes, or 3 hours, or more.
12:03 I decide if I do go into politics, I refuse to work for any state, senate or administration.
12:15 Should I take a shower?
12:17 I really Hope the school has processed my overpayment check so I can get food and do my laundry on Sunday and Monday.
12:21 I am listening to Death Cab, and decide I'm going to learn "I was a Kaleidoscope"
...remember "I" before "E" except after "C" or words such a "neighbor" and "weigh"...but what about "Kaleidoscope"? vital information withheld.
12:30 a twin engine plane flies overhead reminding me where I am at
12:34 I'll chase any open door, as long as I dont return to who I was before.
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