It's been a very long time since I've written anything really worth a damn. So long so that I had forgotten what it was to really start creating something that brings joy into my life.
Joy, that word so shrouded and elusive.
Apathy, an act of inaction that has paralyzed my entire life for a very long time. I've come to find that the answers do not find themselves and that the heavens don't rent open anymore raining angels and relief.
I had a talk with my youngest sister, who is 28. A talk I will carry long in my heart.
When your friends fade away, as I've come to find a natural progression of life, your family is still there. The bonds are strong, even if you are only half related. My sister is sharply perceptive of the human mind, intent, hesitation, desire, she has the ability to see through it all to the more absolute end. My oldest brother is much the same way, but as I've come to find, we are more like each other in nature, even though we grew up 11 years and hundreds of miles apart. My middle sister is nurturing, caring and loving and more relational to my heart. They are each a shining emblem of our mother who possesses all these things. They have shown me the truer meaning of love because they practice it with great precision. For all of our spectacular failures, we are successful.
My other siblings, from my father, i do not know as well. My oldest sister I hardly know, but to me she is a pillar, a fighter, strength against what the worst in this world can serve to any one person. Sadly my other two brothers I have not spoken with in more years than I can really remember. It goes both ways in communication though.
Family, a difficult road we traversed for almost two decades. But in the end of all these things that should not be, we are blessed with wisdom, with knowledge, education, love, support, and 9 beautiful nieces and nephews.
This word "love". We need a better word, more words to describe the different connotations. Or perhaps if we all strived toward the more true meaning of it that we all deep inside understand, a new word would not be necessary.
And that is the love that I am working towards. Beyond the realm of bitter tears, beyond the world of fairy tales, that which is beyond my consideration of it at this present time.
What is falling in love? On the eve of a painful anniversary I begin to see the shallowness of my life in trying to understand that question. I've been away from myself for as long as that day, I dont remember what day it was this last september, but I came back to my better self, and with it so have the blessings.
Some call it running, searching. others, an identity crisis, confusion, falling from grace. But someone has shown me how none of that matters, refusing to judge by the reaction to circumstance, but rather by the heart and the truer nature, the final outcome. What she would call it, I'm not so sure.
"I've been a mess since we've known each other. You've cared for me through the lowest point in my life, the one consistent thing I had when my life and heart was falling into oblivion. I havent been able to see a good thing sitting right before me all this time...
I just can't believe you've been this patient with me
I mean, what almost 2 years now?"
--i guess some things are worth waiting for---
Certainly my path has been one twist after another, but I've come to see them all as blessing, and all my fault, all to bring a better end through much trial. I can't confess that I have been patient, more like the screaming kid in the backseat of the car on the way to the surgery ward.
So to those who have lost themselves, their ideals, and much of what they once knew and thought they loved, you certainly are not alone. The space of planets cannot keep you absent for long, the sun still comes up in the east, the air is still fresh upon the breeze, and sooner or later you'll find your way back to yourself.
Maybe not this september, or the next, but what is the point in faith if we never use it?
1 comment:
Sometimes I have forgotten exactly how much my (biological) family has had an impact on me. I had a long chat this morning with my little sister, who is fascinated by psychology and the development of people. We tend to have long-winded discussions about upbringing and communication and behaviors as modeled by family members, and this was one of them. With all of our cousins scattered to different colleges and areas, we haven't had as much opportunity to gather in community, but there are so many bright memories of past gatherings, and that in turn has greatly influenced my definition of community in the non-familial setting.
"What is falling in love?" Much of my opinion of this is untested and rooted in my cultural heritage, but I think so much of love depends on the conscious choice to pursue. There are so many "first-sight" moments in which one catches a glimpse of possibility. I was talking with a girl friend earlier this week, and we agreed that there probably are many young men who we could marry. But of course one don't follow up on every flash of attraction, since observing and befriending and conscious decision-making can sometimes be a lengthy process. And sometimes the right person shows up in the most unexpected place.
Post a Comment