These last 4 days have been good. I havent been out much to see what is around here, but then again, there really isnt much to see here in Hollywood. As ridiculous as it may it sound, its true. It seems this neighborhood is the attraction the whole world recognizes, but i have yet to find anything that really catches my attention, would motivate me to vacation all the way out here to see or experience something. So being, I am content to stay here at the apartment and mull over my lessons and work on my playing and techniques. Already I can feel my chops getting back up to par.
But now to the nitty gritty. For a year now I have been stuck on this one certain girl... ya i know. cute, well, maybe. I never thought or ever perceived that one person could impact my life so much. That the mere presence of one person can affect my whole being. That in the months following her absence from my life, I would become completely unable to operate normally. Unable to see around the crater caused by such life as she possessed. This girl and I, for a short while, new each other well, knew each other with a sense of honesty and respect. All too quickly I fell hopelessly in love with her, It couldn't be helped. As time went on, and through the expression of our music, I was able to let her see the most innocent, untouched parts of my soul that not even I knew existed. I guess there are perks to being artistic, to being creative, and overly sensitive to what goes on inside, there is a whole world within all of us, if you can find it, if you dare to see it. This girl found it, there were times that i swear she was looking deep into it, beautiful and frightening at the same time, because you never know how much your saying with just a glance. When we parted ways, I carried her so close to my heart, it could barely beat to keep me alive. I longed for the day to see her again, I called constantly just to hear only a few words, a few honest thoughts. Within a short time, the calls were not answered, the communication was lost and only sparse words were ever shared.
I was devastated. Without realizing it, I had let her come so close, so close and then let go of without a whisper. It hurt and secretly I had determined never to let anyone come close again. I successfully did it for more than 10 months, and suffered dearly, oh so dearly. The despair of loneliness ate me apart everyday. So vast was the feeling that I sensed the space of planets between me and those I even remotely got along with. I could not figure it out. I blamed it on my circumstances, my surroundings, my pointless job, the endless waiting to get to MI. When I moved out to Massachusetts for a few months, I quickly learned that I could not out run my personal battles. I saw that whatever was destroying me was still manifested deep within. I ran from my problems and ran into myself.
It wasn't until these last few days that I realized that through my experience with this girl, I had shut out the whole world in response to my pain, in response to my misunderstanding. I realized that I need to, I have to, let people in as I let her. That it is oh k to open and vulnerable with people. To be honest, uncool, upset, confused, happy, joyful or just content. Friendship is unfortunately temporary. It fluctuates, up and down, high then low. It's hard to deal with this, because as a child you feel that you will always know the people you grow up with. It is certainly not so with the life that I have chosen. I only talk to 1 person that I have known since I was 15. But these are the relationships you must form, and if you are afraid of getting hurt, well, the fear will certainly prevent any chance of that. It's not worth it.
And so with figuring this whole thing out with this girl, I have been set free. I see how she has blessed me, that I carry her with me in my heart, and I probably always will. But I can go on with my life now, I can let others in, because there is room, and I am happy for it. I felt the burden lift yesterday morning. I had been sorting through all these thoughts in random order, and as I was stepping out of the shower, it all clicked together, and with one swift movement I exhaled the last year of self created torture, and breathed in freedom, redemption, new life. It is really a blessing from God. I remember earnestly praying many months ago for this burden to lift. But had the almighty acquiesced to such as was my request, I would never have figured out the root of the problem, and that it lies with me, and not with her captivating spirit. I was afflicting myself and so perfectly blind as to not see it. The scales are lifted, the sun is bright, but it is beautiful.
I hope one can make any sense of that. but if you know me, you probably know of whom I am speaking. I hope it is laid to rest once and for ever.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
ello mello dello
Tom waits hit it pretty good, with how I feel about the girls i have come to adore...
Long way going to
Get my medicine
Sky's the autumn grey of a lonely wren
Piano from a window played
Gone tomorrow, gone yesterday
I found it in the street
At first I did not see
Lying at my feet
A trampled rose
Passing the hat in church
It never stops going around
You never pay just once
To get the job done
What I done to me,
I done to you
What happened to the trampled rose?
In the muddy street
With the fireworks and leaves
A blind man with a cup I asked
Would he sing 'Kisses Sweeter Than Wine'
I know that rose,
Like I know my name
The one I gave my love,
It was the same
Now I find it in the street,
A trampled rose
Long way going to
Get my medicine
Sky's the autumn grey of a lonely wren
Piano from a window played
Gone tomorrow, gone yesterday
I found it in the street
At first I did not see
Lying at my feet
A trampled rose
Passing the hat in church
It never stops going around
You never pay just once
To get the job done
What I done to me,
I done to you
What happened to the trampled rose?
In the muddy street
With the fireworks and leaves
A blind man with a cup I asked
Would he sing 'Kisses Sweeter Than Wine'
I know that rose,
Like I know my name
The one I gave my love,
It was the same
Now I find it in the street,
A trampled rose
Monday, April 7, 2008
First Day of MI
Perhaps this is becoming my blog for my time in LA. Well, a year in the making finally happened. I started classes today at MI. It was pretty much everything I expected, as far as curriculum goes. But the atmosphere and the realization of the kind of education I am partaking of were more of a pleasant surprise. I had quickly gotten used to roaming the halls with hundreds of other players by the time I arrived at my first class. The first class "guitar reading" is a class on reading standard music notation, but actually making sense of it on the guitar fretboard. To be in a roam full of eager to learn students all sharing a love of music, all with their guitars at the ready, was a good sight.
Next off was a 4 hours segment of 3 different classes with one instructor.
single string improv, followed by rhythm guitar 1 and then a rhythm workshop. combing the first 2 in the last 2 hours really helps to make sense of what one is learning. You get real time criticism and praise about what you are playing infront of the whole class. The combination of learning and practice is a probably the best way to learn. The teachers here know there trade, they know what they are teaching and they put it to use everyday in their jobs they have outside of the school.
It's much like the CMC, but on steriods and a heavy dose of meth.
oh ps, most of my classes dont start until 1 or 2 in the afternoon.
thats another great academic move, not having classes during the hours one's brain is not fully functioning.
I tend to get along with the older players better. They're not out to prove anything, really. Just there to play and to learn and to see what happens with their time. It's surprising how few "just out of high school" students are here. Frankly, i dont know that this is a good town for someone so young and naive to move into on their own. It's big, and hollywood has much to offer to anyone willing to take the bait. It is nice to be around more 20 somethings than those in their late teens, although quite a few people never grow out of it.
I am excited for these next 18 months of learning and growing. Hopefully i will be fortunate enough to not be mugged or assaulted, that would be just capitol!
anyways, that's a brief summary of today. Tomorrow is a short day of new classes and stuff.
Being in such a big city and constantly surrounded by guys I find myself often lonely.
I want to meet a good girl that would be good back, just for once. One who reciprocates the feeling of complete loss or reality when the other person walks in the room. All too often I get my hopes up, if only just to get them left drying in the wind. Constantly I hear the cry of young ladies wishing there were some decent guys around, often to my face. All I can often do is to nod and agree. Knowing deep inside they can't recognize a good catch if he looked them in the eyes. The idea of "prince charming riding in on his steed" is rather disgusting. Somehow i can only imagine a guy on a horse only smelling awful from not bathing, not washing his clothes, and riding a horse for days on end. He doesnt exist. Often times, and most of my guy friends agree, most girls are only attracted to complete assholes. I dont have money, I dont have my shit together, and I dont treat everyone like an asshole would, so i guess i'm shit out of luck in that department.
somewhere between the tenderness of liv tyler and the lush beauty of audrey hepburn seems nice. Someone to lose myself in. Someone to take my mind off all the turmoil and twisted confusion that goes on inside. Someone to care for and adore. Maybe its too much to ask for anymore.
So many words without the right timing I suppose.
goodnight
Next off was a 4 hours segment of 3 different classes with one instructor.
single string improv, followed by rhythm guitar 1 and then a rhythm workshop. combing the first 2 in the last 2 hours really helps to make sense of what one is learning. You get real time criticism and praise about what you are playing infront of the whole class. The combination of learning and practice is a probably the best way to learn. The teachers here know there trade, they know what they are teaching and they put it to use everyday in their jobs they have outside of the school.
It's much like the CMC, but on steriods and a heavy dose of meth.
oh ps, most of my classes dont start until 1 or 2 in the afternoon.
thats another great academic move, not having classes during the hours one's brain is not fully functioning.
I tend to get along with the older players better. They're not out to prove anything, really. Just there to play and to learn and to see what happens with their time. It's surprising how few "just out of high school" students are here. Frankly, i dont know that this is a good town for someone so young and naive to move into on their own. It's big, and hollywood has much to offer to anyone willing to take the bait. It is nice to be around more 20 somethings than those in their late teens, although quite a few people never grow out of it.
I am excited for these next 18 months of learning and growing. Hopefully i will be fortunate enough to not be mugged or assaulted, that would be just capitol!
anyways, that's a brief summary of today. Tomorrow is a short day of new classes and stuff.
Being in such a big city and constantly surrounded by guys I find myself often lonely.
I want to meet a good girl that would be good back, just for once. One who reciprocates the feeling of complete loss or reality when the other person walks in the room. All too often I get my hopes up, if only just to get them left drying in the wind. Constantly I hear the cry of young ladies wishing there were some decent guys around, often to my face. All I can often do is to nod and agree. Knowing deep inside they can't recognize a good catch if he looked them in the eyes. The idea of "prince charming riding in on his steed" is rather disgusting. Somehow i can only imagine a guy on a horse only smelling awful from not bathing, not washing his clothes, and riding a horse for days on end. He doesnt exist. Often times, and most of my guy friends agree, most girls are only attracted to complete assholes. I dont have money, I dont have my shit together, and I dont treat everyone like an asshole would, so i guess i'm shit out of luck in that department.
somewhere between the tenderness of liv tyler and the lush beauty of audrey hepburn seems nice. Someone to lose myself in. Someone to take my mind off all the turmoil and twisted confusion that goes on inside. Someone to care for and adore. Maybe its too much to ask for anymore.
So many words without the right timing I suppose.
goodnight
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Hollywood
Living in Hollywood for 3 weeks without a job or school has afforded me great opportunity for observation. From what I can tell there are basically 3 groups of people that exist here.
1.) Tourists 2.) aging hipsters 3.) bums
The rest of the people living here are generally holed up in their homes or jobs or school. Really, I don't know why anyone but the aging hipsters come here. I guess its the celebrity complex. I've already decided that once I am financially stable and productive I will be moving to any one of the surrounding neighborhoods. Its not a good place to live. Hollywood is a world unto itself, a world with no direction and understanding.
It's sunny here most of the time, and its warm. So beautiful with the palm trees and renovated buildings. Taking the good with the bad and being thankful for both is an aquired talent. Some days I find it hard to be excited to for the present. Only placing my hope in some fantastical future that may or may not be waiting to exist. Forgetting the present is a gift.
Funny how the evangelical Christians I grew up with constantly berated all the things that ushered forth from the burgeoning etertainment genious that exists here. How they taught us to hide from it. Never to understand and to own it. They complain and fear of the evil influences, and do so because it is their own fault. There is no God out here for anyone to see. It is a shame. I never knew such disdain for Christianity existed in this country, but it is prevalent out here. And the disgust runs deep. A combination of naivety, arrogance, misunderstanding and miscommunication have turned so many away from any form of Christianity. So many search for and believe in an almighty god, but with no direction, with no understanding. I find myself in the same boat anymore. Wondering constantly what is truth and what is biased bullshit. there has come a time in my life where my connection with God has disappeared or shriveled away. It happened over a period of weeks. You wake up wondering what happened? Did I do something wrong? That was well over a year and a half ago. Time passes and you become used to it. No, my faith never disappeared. Perhaps my innocence, my devotion and zealousness are swimming in some lost ocean. So many friends I had at school are fortunate to live in an environment where the test of their morals and true beliefs are never put over a hot fire. It's easier to live that way, perhaps not as good or honest, but sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Tomorrow, classes at MI start. It has been almost a year since I dropped out of Cedarville in anticipation of this attending this school. I am thankful to be here, to have the opportunities I have had. To meet people from every corner of the states, and Europe and the Orient. It is weird to think that most of the kids i grew up with are still in West Virginia, always wishing they were somewhere else, but too afraid to the moves to make it happen. It takes some balls to leave all your friends behind, a car, parents and siblings, a house with my own "East Wing" and move 2300 miles away to a world I had no Idea really existed. You become so accustomed to odd things, that if someone were to walk down the street with a severed head in their hand, I would probably just keep walking like I hardly noticed....
goodnight
1.) Tourists 2.) aging hipsters 3.) bums
The rest of the people living here are generally holed up in their homes or jobs or school. Really, I don't know why anyone but the aging hipsters come here. I guess its the celebrity complex. I've already decided that once I am financially stable and productive I will be moving to any one of the surrounding neighborhoods. Its not a good place to live. Hollywood is a world unto itself, a world with no direction and understanding.
It's sunny here most of the time, and its warm. So beautiful with the palm trees and renovated buildings. Taking the good with the bad and being thankful for both is an aquired talent. Some days I find it hard to be excited to for the present. Only placing my hope in some fantastical future that may or may not be waiting to exist. Forgetting the present is a gift.
Funny how the evangelical Christians I grew up with constantly berated all the things that ushered forth from the burgeoning etertainment genious that exists here. How they taught us to hide from it. Never to understand and to own it. They complain and fear of the evil influences, and do so because it is their own fault. There is no God out here for anyone to see. It is a shame. I never knew such disdain for Christianity existed in this country, but it is prevalent out here. And the disgust runs deep. A combination of naivety, arrogance, misunderstanding and miscommunication have turned so many away from any form of Christianity. So many search for and believe in an almighty god, but with no direction, with no understanding. I find myself in the same boat anymore. Wondering constantly what is truth and what is biased bullshit. there has come a time in my life where my connection with God has disappeared or shriveled away. It happened over a period of weeks. You wake up wondering what happened? Did I do something wrong? That was well over a year and a half ago. Time passes and you become used to it. No, my faith never disappeared. Perhaps my innocence, my devotion and zealousness are swimming in some lost ocean. So many friends I had at school are fortunate to live in an environment where the test of their morals and true beliefs are never put over a hot fire. It's easier to live that way, perhaps not as good or honest, but sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Tomorrow, classes at MI start. It has been almost a year since I dropped out of Cedarville in anticipation of this attending this school. I am thankful to be here, to have the opportunities I have had. To meet people from every corner of the states, and Europe and the Orient. It is weird to think that most of the kids i grew up with are still in West Virginia, always wishing they were somewhere else, but too afraid to the moves to make it happen. It takes some balls to leave all your friends behind, a car, parents and siblings, a house with my own "East Wing" and move 2300 miles away to a world I had no Idea really existed. You become so accustomed to odd things, that if someone were to walk down the street with a severed head in their hand, I would probably just keep walking like I hardly noticed....
goodnight
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