Any justifiable end(s)

it's been almost a month, and if I could print a receipt of my life I might be better suited to tell you all that has happened, but truth be told i haven't written much this year. And having not written has provided too many gaps where my faulty memories is true to fail. This year is the unlikely step child that no one anticipates any great success from. I feed on the negative, but after watching so many plans fall to the floor, i'd have to say I'm a little justified. Certainly there is anticipation on the onset of any new direction in life, any new adventure, but I have yet to categorize my current course in life as something lofty or adventurous.

I inadvertently researched "male depression" a few nights ago, and found it all to easy to believe everything I read. I wanted to call up a doctor to give me a few pills and make all my insufficiences disappear. But really it's a mindset, and something i have to work through. the following paragraph is what I wrote before I finished this current one, and a good example of why I seem to frustrate the hell out of myself...

I find myself performing a daily ritual where I combat the negative thoughts, where I shun the part of me that longs to be where the rock stars are, that curses myself for the practice habits that ruined my tendons, that wants to curse the world for cutting me short on something so fantastic. I think I knew from the start this would be my outcome, that I would get close enough to smell success like a perfume from a stranger on the street, but never really possess it. and now I'm dealing with the reality while I walk from my car to where I work at a fast food restaurant in the mid west.
.....................

I mean seriously? It's no wonder I hate what I haven't become, and in the process I just want to give up. But I know this isn't the end of the world, or the end of the line.

I guess I'm long overdue for high and lofty goals, impossible dreams, because those are what motivate me the most, not something I know I can accomplish. I know I can go to OSU, get a science degree, get a masters, go plunge an oil well in kansas the rest of my life and make enough money in investments to retire in 25 years, but where's the risk? where's the recklessness in that? what are the chances that it won't work out?

I can't work with that kind of stability.

Perhaps I'm at the crossroads where early adulthood collides with responsible adulthood. like saying goodbye to your toys when your 12 because your imagination suddenly changes gears.

A year ago I could not have imagined the circumstances that have brought me to where I am today. Where instability had no solution, I am forced into the solutions, but wondering if the means bring about any justifyable end. perhaps I am looking for only 1 end, and not seeing that "many possibilities" is, after all, a spectacular gift.

I still want to rock out, I play for 2 hours almost every day now and I know I'm so much more than what I'm doing right now, it's not just some lazy day dream. So i keep plugging away at it, hoping to maybe return to the music world, and that having a degree or the pursuit of it, won't sedate my passions.

It's about mindset, I can spot it a mile away with others, but to personally change my own is nearly impossible, just like trying to change someone else. perspective giving new shape and all true colors to any situation, i wish i had a dash more of the "positive" side of things.


An old friend once told me the best seasons in life are the least likely ones.