I think I've lost my voice. I think this city is burning. I think I hear them voices calling.
I think the tourists like it hot. They messed this one up, I think, I'm going back.
I think I need cereal and Saturday morning cartoons again. I think It's more than the
easel in my mind can hold. I think ambiguity is all you need to know.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
warehouses
In a few hours, I'll be headed out to the first real socializing event I have been to outside of school since arriving in March 08.
That's kind of sad. No, that is just sad.
I don't know where I learned to be so introverted, and perhaps it stems from many extenuating circumstances and events in the last 3 years. I'm not sure what to expect tonight though, as I am not really into the party scene, never have been, and don't really plan on it. I don't know how to act, if there is a way to act, or which way to turn, if this shirt looks like I stole it from kohls or a Gotham street vendor. If I disappear then maybe this is my confession.
I can't dance, I can't talk.
Only thing about me is the way I walk.
I can't dance, I can't sing
I'm just standing here selling everything.
-genesis (no, the band, genius)
On a lighter note, I'm getting ready to head into week 2, and my wrists are healing. I've been able to play about 7 hours in the last two days. That is significant improvement from the last 2 months. I still use an ice pack in the morning and at night, and combined with the NSAID that I'm on, It seems to be getting the job well done. I really did not want to move back to Ohio so soon, although I know I'll be heading back at the end of the year when MI is over.
That's kind of sad. No, that is just sad.
I don't know where I learned to be so introverted, and perhaps it stems from many extenuating circumstances and events in the last 3 years. I'm not sure what to expect tonight though, as I am not really into the party scene, never have been, and don't really plan on it. I don't know how to act, if there is a way to act, or which way to turn, if this shirt looks like I stole it from kohls or a Gotham street vendor. If I disappear then maybe this is my confession.
I can't dance, I can't talk.
Only thing about me is the way I walk.
I can't dance, I can't sing
I'm just standing here selling everything.
-genesis (no, the band, genius)
On a lighter note, I'm getting ready to head into week 2, and my wrists are healing. I've been able to play about 7 hours in the last two days. That is significant improvement from the last 2 months. I still use an ice pack in the morning and at night, and combined with the NSAID that I'm on, It seems to be getting the job well done. I really did not want to move back to Ohio so soon, although I know I'll be heading back at the end of the year when MI is over.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Formality and Fantastical Scenarios
this year will be the fourth consecutive year of major life changes for me. The third year of which these choices were foreseen with plenty of time to conjure up the layout of the scenario. Funny how I can never act out the parts right in my head. If I could narrate how the future events unfold, I would perhaps be more satisfied temporarily, and probably forever frustrated.
I am on pins and needles as this new year starts. In a month I could be packing up the residence I just settled into, and moving back east side as a result of my gimp wrists. Or in a month, I could be blissfully buried in school work and able to play without pain, continuing on through MI as scheduled. I wonder if I somehow failed myself through all of this. Or rather, I don't want to feel like I failed myself through this injury. Perhaps what I am doing isn't the most wise decision, probably wasn't from the start up, but I made it without any doubt and I want to hold to it until the end.
While I don't know what will happen past September 25 of 2009, I really would like to have as few speedbumps as possible, as I'm sure we all hope for. But if last year was any indication of the future, '09 will be another series of metamorphic episodes.
It seems that everything I am working on, with, against, toward is dearly fragile, and ready to break apart without a moments notice, without eternities regard. Maybe just the nervous ramblings of an amateur, but so much seems all to uncertain at this point.
2008 was a hell of a year. I have lived on both coasts through the course, started a new school, got halfway throught the program. I've met a few people I can call friends while living in a Hollywood, but I can look anyone in the eye and tell them the East Coast was the first coast, and still is the best coast. I'll be glad when I'm living somewhere where I'm not getting nickel and dime'd for every little thing I have to do. These big cities are absolutely absurd, and in my defiance, I declare that I am too good this one called Los Angeles.
This year I learned that as usual, it is very difficult to figure out what it is I am after, what I am willing to do to get it. But I have learned that it is absolutely essential to discover what it is that I don't want, and am not willing to put up with and suffer through in the course of my life. Here are a few
a) roommates
b) rent that costs more than a mortgage
c) excessive pollution
d) lack of community
e) poverty
f) LAPD
g) dependant on public transportation
h) weak tendons
i) Sarah Palin
j) employers asking me about my sexual orientation upon inquiry for a job.
k) air mattresses
l) staring at the wall
some of these are more serious than others, but most of them entale a whole other collection of works explaining all the inner workings that create the circumstances that make the image of this list of things I'd rather do without.
I certainly, early on, didn't forsee who it is that I'm dating now, even though I've had so many people allude to its possibility. Admittedly, it was a leap of faith, into a realm left undiscovered in so very long. I guess sometimes we just need a shot in the arm, and a serious talking-to everyonce in a great while to make somethings precipitate into a happier ending.
A sidenote to my Cedarville girls in regard to regards to relationships: burn the rules, the cultural presuppositions that the guy is to be the only source of pursuit.
a) unrealistic
b) get off yourself
If sara hadn't given it another shot, and come right out and say what she wanted and needed, I would never have found room to reciprocate. Don't overcomplicate the simple things with needless formality and fantastical scenarios.
my arms hurt, so I'm signing off. I hope 2009 has a good ending, and perhaps an ending much different than I have loosely played out in my head.
I am on pins and needles as this new year starts. In a month I could be packing up the residence I just settled into, and moving back east side as a result of my gimp wrists. Or in a month, I could be blissfully buried in school work and able to play without pain, continuing on through MI as scheduled. I wonder if I somehow failed myself through all of this. Or rather, I don't want to feel like I failed myself through this injury. Perhaps what I am doing isn't the most wise decision, probably wasn't from the start up, but I made it without any doubt and I want to hold to it until the end.
While I don't know what will happen past September 25 of 2009, I really would like to have as few speedbumps as possible, as I'm sure we all hope for. But if last year was any indication of the future, '09 will be another series of metamorphic episodes.
It seems that everything I am working on, with, against, toward is dearly fragile, and ready to break apart without a moments notice, without eternities regard. Maybe just the nervous ramblings of an amateur, but so much seems all to uncertain at this point.
2008 was a hell of a year. I have lived on both coasts through the course, started a new school, got halfway throught the program. I've met a few people I can call friends while living in a Hollywood, but I can look anyone in the eye and tell them the East Coast was the first coast, and still is the best coast. I'll be glad when I'm living somewhere where I'm not getting nickel and dime'd for every little thing I have to do. These big cities are absolutely absurd, and in my defiance, I declare that I am too good this one called Los Angeles.
This year I learned that as usual, it is very difficult to figure out what it is I am after, what I am willing to do to get it. But I have learned that it is absolutely essential to discover what it is that I don't want, and am not willing to put up with and suffer through in the course of my life. Here are a few
a) roommates
b) rent that costs more than a mortgage
c) excessive pollution
d) lack of community
e) poverty
f) LAPD
g) dependant on public transportation
h) weak tendons
i) Sarah Palin
j) employers asking me about my sexual orientation upon inquiry for a job.
k) air mattresses
l) staring at the wall
some of these are more serious than others, but most of them entale a whole other collection of works explaining all the inner workings that create the circumstances that make the image of this list of things I'd rather do without.
I certainly, early on, didn't forsee who it is that I'm dating now, even though I've had so many people allude to its possibility. Admittedly, it was a leap of faith, into a realm left undiscovered in so very long. I guess sometimes we just need a shot in the arm, and a serious talking-to everyonce in a great while to make somethings precipitate into a happier ending.
A sidenote to my Cedarville girls in regard to regards to relationships: burn the rules, the cultural presuppositions that the guy is to be the only source of pursuit.
a) unrealistic
b) get off yourself
If sara hadn't given it another shot, and come right out and say what she wanted and needed, I would never have found room to reciprocate. Don't overcomplicate the simple things with needless formality and fantastical scenarios.
my arms hurt, so I'm signing off. I hope 2009 has a good ending, and perhaps an ending much different than I have loosely played out in my head.
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