Lately

Lately I've not been the lonely one. But as I was down at Santa Monica and Third Street Promenade, I could feel the desperation sinking in, the intense feeling of vastness within my soul. Something I have not felt much these last 2 months. As Peter and Clara sleep on the other side of the room, I begin to wonder what's become of me. What, if anything, that I am missing. I suppose I am not prepared for the emotional burden and responsibility of a relationship, and so I hold out for someone as independent and not so needy as would be convenient. It seems I hold out for the impossible, and then when opportunity might present itself, I dont want to answer the door.

Simplicity would be nice.
Things were so much easier in the naivety of my late high school and early college years. It was not so long ago, but so much has changed since then. I've been thinking much of my high school years, of the school and the environment and the people I associated with, my limited outlook on life. Things were so simple then, my life was so prescribed, pre-scripted. Those years I blissfully enjoyed. I had no other idea, no other thought of what and who I would become. Some days I wish to go back, to live an existence without conviction, without passion, without a mind and soul that had learned to stand on its own. Yet, how interesting would it to go back to the time that I turned 17, with the mind that I have now. How quickly and abrasively things would change. I would turn on everyone, in a way, I feel I have transcended my teachers, my mentors, those who I held in esteem. Yet, I think that is the point of being a guide for someone younger. If one never outgrows them, you are their slave, not their student. You become a carbon copy of ideals and life patterns that are in no way in harmony with your true self. Unfortunately that is what I was, and that is what is most repulsive about my remembrances upon those years of dependent and starving youth.

No doubt those years were fun, I was never fully at peace with all that was said and all that went on around me, but I had no idea how to see it differently, no idea how to see around it. I suppose that is what has alienated me most from those I knew, those that were close. I know its not popular among those peers to voice the what is inconvenient, what shatters the shattered image of something labeled "the will of God." But it is so with me.

Dont ever get F#@king married, dont think about it, dont talk about it, dont sing about it, dont think about talking about it, dont sing about talking about thinking about it.

and what of my relationship during those times? I don't know that I dare write of it. I suppose it is the same feeling. The feeling of knowing that during that time, because of where I was and who I was, it was great, or so I thought. Had I only the insight into my heart as I have now, the ability to see through people better, things would have been much different, and because they are not, and it can never be so, I am left open ended and frustrated with my naive shallow and superficial choices. It is the view of what could have been that bothers me these days. The knowing that what has been done is set in stone and is still affecting my life until this day. Making it so very difficult to ever love again, because I have found that I have no idea in Hell what that really is. That I could so easily be replaced in a matter of 3 months has caused much mistrust and bitterness to grow. Truly my perception of it is better, but far from finished, and seemingly farther than ever from having a chance again.

This is a confession to my high school associates, to those who can't accept that people move out, move on, change, shape shift. That I will not defend something that I know is fundamentally wrong and unnatural. A man with a mind is a dangerous thing. I hope that you can in some way understand without refuting with preconceived notions of what we were once taught what should be. When you're 2500 miles from those you once called friends, from your family, from the peace and quiet midwestern towns, all you want is a decent conversation with people who can accept the fact that we're all human, we are not transcended super saved people, we are not "better than them" as one flamboyant preacher once bodly stated, right before he stated that i would be electrocuted by God's wrath because I was not reading the appropriate version of the Bible.

so much absurdity surrounds my footsteps. If God has his angels around me, they are messing with me constantly.