Anywhere but here

So this is me, almost 4 days without playing my guitar, and I'm starting to get shaky and clamy, mood swings, delusional, severely depressed, schizophrenic fits . I never thought of it as a drug, but it has the effect of chemical stimulation once you're well into the practice. Like running, or body building, or pumping opiates into your veins. wait...

Or maybe it is the effect of being bitten by Hollywood, morphing me into something monstrous as the new moon rolls over head. That might be pushing it a little too far. I've been far too cash strapped to allow myself to enjoy the revelries of young foolishness that abound here. But living here, and once again having too much time on my hand, I am reminded that I do not belong in this town, and that I should have known better than to settle for living in downtown Hollywood.

I took a walk on down to West Hollywood on Saturday, and found something more, well, American than anything where I am at. It's quiet, the shops are diverse, the communities are safer, the houses are not covered in iron bars and spiked fences. The Community is provided with semi private parks with a full range of recreational facilities. The city of West Hollywood has a heavy eastern european influence, which I must say, is a wonderful break from the overwhelming hispanic culture... To put it simply and without causing too much offence, there are several good reasons no one wants to invade Mexico.

Walking back was more than depressing, going from a city where the communities are more the epicenter of municipal conern, to a slum where tourism and entertainment is the only focus.
Some statistics
total population of LA 9.9 million
population per square mile 2,344
Percentage of high school graduates age 25+ 69
Percentage of Bachelors degree or higher age 25+ 25

I'm packed in like sardines with a highly uneducated population, and it really shows sometimes...woohoo
But on a lighter note, reports show that every form of felony offense, at least in Hollywood, is down by an average of around 10%. The only crime that was up in number was rape.

In a town that sells sexuality as an entree, I'm not surprised.

Living here has taught me to be insensitive to humanity, to those that struggle. I know well that everyone has a story, but I've seen so much absurd behaviour and needless suffering, that I no longer care about the soul behind the eyes, as long as it doesnt spill into my life, stick to my shoes on my walk home, disrupt my morning routine.

I have to get out of here and soon. Anywhere but here.
Anywhere but Hollywood.

Destination: Unknown

I think of all the times I am standing on middle ground. Like many phases of my life, there is a soundtrack to accompany. Today, well, this morning, this night, its goo goo dolls. The sound relates to color of the mood. I'd rather be practicing all hours of the day, instead of getting through classes and practicing until my wrists flare up, which I hope is more than 2 or 3 hours. No such luck today, and so once again I am left with all too many hours to contemplate my life and all the decisions. Treating them like the end all to my existence, which certainly they are not.

I sat in with a band tonight, it had the feeling of somewhere between an audition and trying on sweaters at the outlet stores. I rather enjoyed it, playing with other musicians, people I either had never met or hardly knew, yet all connecting through original songs. We all went out for coffee at starbucks afterwards, the time now being 8:30. For the first time, I felt like I was part of some community at school. Some patchwork connection of decent and fun people who were content to talk and laugh with and at each other.

I guess feeling neutral about everything is the closest to content that I can become for now. It sucks having to coast through the rest of the quarter, just so I don't permanently injure my arms. But when I was playing all day, I had no time to think, that was a nice change from the previous 7 months. I guess what I'm trying to get at, is that while it's important to take time for yourself, to love yourself and take care of the gaps causing pitfalls, eventually you must move away from it, and turn your hand to that task which is most at hand, get back to work.

Life is so strange, when you dont know. how can you tell where your going to? you cant be sure of any situation, something could change, and then you wont know. Where do we go from here?
it seems so all too near, just as far beyond as I can see. I still dont know what this all means to me. I have no where to go, I dont know what to do. And I dont even know the time of day, I guess it doesnt matter anyway.

Life is so strange, destination unknown...something could change, its unknown, and then you wont know. Destination: Unknown

from smashing pumpkins

I had a rough time at Starbucks...END OF THE WORLD OMG WTF LIKE WHATEVER!

Sorry, the valley kid comes out of me every once in a while...ahem...

*clears throat*


I dont understand some things here. And most certainly this is not the first or last time I'm going to vent about it.
Why, oh why, do all the people suffering from mental disability, social disorders, and crime oriented natures, end up here? What is the big attraction? Is it the job market? The overpriced grocery stores? The morbidly obese property value? The insurance rates? The 8.25% tax on everything? Maybe it's the lack of shelters, day cares, hospitals? no? then WTF are they doing here!!? Is there some drive in the nature of afflicted persons to seek out what could have been a paradise and then shit all over it's sidewalks?

It's not just a few, this place breeds insanity, attracts it like flypaper. Excuse me while I violate all attempts to consider all men equal and basically good. Those ideologies dont work out here, and it is only perpetuated by its victims who do nothing to better their lives. Sorry, but if you piss away your existence and your livelyhood, spread your misery to everyone you meet, no one is going to want to coddle your sorry poor ass, scream at the air because that's all that's left of your will.

I'm so tired of it tonight, if you couldn't tell. Perhaps the poor air quality is making me cantankerous.

About 15 years ago, MI moved its main building, from one side of Hollywood BLVD, to the other, literally directly across the street. 15 years ago you could get mugged in broad daylight here. Why not move the school somewhere away from all the creeps, the vicious streets filled with strays and victims of all the better ends of society. Sometimes I really wish I'd moved out of this God forsaken city, and commute in for school, return to normal society in the afternoon.

I need someone to blame, because certainly I'm not a victim to my own decisions....

until you live here, you can't tell anyone the bad place hollywood can be. System of a Down hit it pretty well.

I'll wait here,
You're crazy,
Those viscious streets are filled with strays,
You should have never gone to Hollywood.

They find you,
Two time you,
Say your the best they've ever seen,
You should have never trusted Hollywood.

I wrote you,
And told you,
You were the biggest fish out here,
You should have never gone to Hollywood.

They take you,
And make you,
They look at you in disgusting ways,
You should never trusted Hollywood.


I was standing on the wall,
Feeling ten feet tall,
All you maggots smoking fags on Santa Monica Boulevard,
This is my front page,
This is my new age,
All you bitches put your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.

All you maggots smoking fags out there on Sunset Boulevard.

All you bitches put your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.

Phoney people come to pray,
Look at all of them beg to stay,
Phoney people come to pray.



(The lines in the letter said, "We have gone to Hackensack")
Look at all of them beg to stay

Phoney people come to pray.

All you maggots smoking fags on Santa Monica Boulevard,
All you maggots smoking fags out there on Sunset Boulevard.
All you maggots smoking fags out there on Hollywood Boulevard.

You should have never trusted Hollywood.
You should have never gone to Hollywood.

All you bitches put your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.

You should have never trusted Hollywood.

Emersonian thought

So on Thursday I woke up reluctantly at 7:20 to walk over to the doctors office. My ear problems have not subsided, and once again I had to walk the mile to the doctors office. I ended up talking about the pain in my wrists, and through x-rays, confirmed I have tendinitis in both arms.... hurray for potentially career ending injuries!

I missed my morning classes because of the waiting, but in exchange I was able to read through several of Emerson's essays, especially enjoyable was his perception of politics and law. A more timeless, pragmatic, universal approach to understanding our system. I thought that our time and our circumstances are our own, that the challenges against corruption and unmotivated politicians was a condition unknown to our country. But nothing is new. The mindset is the same as it was 150 years ago, the young idealists pitting a shitfit of discontent against the more jaded deaf older rulers. We are self perpetuating our own tragedy. So great a body of people, with a few small issues that threaten us at any moment to ruin the work of 10 generations.
Emerson is not known for his confounding wisdom, but by his ability to assimilate so many different opinions, philosophy, emotion and to thus build a world of perspective unimaginable by most. While certainly i cannot agree with all that he says, his works shine light into my life, showing a better way to walk and to perceive.

and so in this time of political transition, globalization of economies and religion and culture, here are some words from the past, not so different from what our own scholars may soon observe.

"...The state must follow, and not lead the character and progress of the citizen; the strongest usurper is quickly got rid of; and they only who build on Ideas, build on Ideas, build for eternity; and that the form of government which prevails is the expression of what cultivation exists in the population which permits it. "

"..That truly the only interest for the consideration of the State is persons; that property will always follow persons; that the highest end of government is the culture of men; and if men can be educated the institutions will share their improvement, and the moral sentiment will write the law of the land"

"Democracy is better for us because the religious sentiment of the present time accords better with it. Born democrats, WE ARE NOWISE QUALIFIED TO JUDGE OF MONARCHY, WHICH TO OUR FATHERS LIVING IN THE MONARCHICAL IDEA, WAS ALSO RELATIVELY RIGHT.... Every actual State is corrupt. Good men must not obey the laws too well. What satire on government can equal the severity of censure conveyed in the word politic, which now for ages has signified cunning, intimating that the State is a trick? "

"The spirit of our American radicalism is destructive and aimless; it is not loving; it has no ulterior and divine ends; but is destructive only out of hatred and selfishness. On the other side, the conservative party ( and i like this part too much), composed of the most moderate, able, and cultivated part of the population, is timid, and merely defensive of property. It vindicates no right, it aspires to no real good, it brands no crime, it proposes no generous policy, it does not build, nor write, nor cherish the arts, nor foster religion, nor establish schools, nor encourage science, nor emancipate the slave, nor befriend the poor, or the Indian, or the immigrant. From neither party, when in power, has the world any benefit to expect in science, art or humanity at all commensurate with the resources of the nation. "

"Wild liberty develops iron conscience. Want of liberty, by strengthening law and decorum, stupefies conscience."

"We are haunted by a conscience of this right to grandeur of character, and are false to it....We do penance as we go."

"Surely nobody would be a charlatan who could afford to be sincere."

"the power of love, as the basis of a State, has never been tried."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reading from over a century past of all the fervor to eradicate corrupt power, to provide a more stable government, assures me that all those spending time ringing hells bells against a certain party and its leaders, do so because they are ineffective themselves to cause any change.
I rest easier understanding that these problems we face today are only reincarnations of past mistakes, complicated by weak minded and ill will personality.

Emerson understood well the power of a strong individual to impact every facet of his existence, and that as a whole mankind must work towards bringing that out in every individual. His works I suppose only scratch the surface of his understanding of mankind, as individual, as whole, both future and past.

"I can do that by another which I cannot do alone. I can say to you what I cannot first say to myself. Other men are lenses through which we read our own minds"

It's complicated alright, but it makes me happy

I would have thought that since my wrists have started to give out more frequently, I would have more time to write, read and blog, but somehow time escapes me. I blame the internet, now that I am paying for my own wireless in my apartment.

Last night, sara and I went to the beach for a few hours. The off season from the tourists is a nice break. We enjoyed the power of the ocean through hearing its waves crash, its silent tide washing out, the scent of the brine, its mystery, the display of lights from the city, the moon high above, and each others reassuring presence. Those hours, I seemed so far away from all the troubles in my mind, the pressures from an encroaching future, the work to be done at school, the fragmented past friendships, emotional burdens long carried beyond their natural dwelling, all these things faded away into the blackness of the western, ocean soaked horizon. The flashbacks that recently have been plaguing my mind, subsided as she rested in my arms, shivering in the cold. Nothing mattered as it began to sink in, that resting on my chest was the truest friend I've had, that through the fading light in my eyes, she still saw the hope in my better days. Thankful that I've finally come around, and that she hadn't given up on me.

So much remains uncertain, as even now our busy and or constrained lives prevent us from seeing each other but once a week. It makes mondays longer to get to, but more worth waking up to and sitting through. I guess this is the insert about "it's complicated" but I dont even know what that means. Of the few people I've talked to about the way things have been progressing, a common theme keeps getting repeated "Well, Dan, It's been a long time coming..."

She has come into my life like a gentle breeze from summers long past, summers long ago spent while I was unaware of the turmoil ahead. Fresh with the scent of peace and calmness, happiness, friendship, companionship, the world put away at a distance.

The tide chased our heels as we tried to walk on the packed sand. Past the birds spending hours playing in the waves at night. We walked past candle lit couples lost in each other's shadowy gaze, through long spaces of beach absent of humans in a city crowded. Our hands held tight together, sheltered in her jacket pocket because of the cold so-cal November night. We were as I suspect we long ago should have been.

Go to the library

this weekend has been terribly long. I've discovered a few things though.

I need a real bed, off of the ground. I hit my face on the wall in the middle of the night, I dont ever want to wake up like that again, wondering if i broke my nose....

The future is dependent on my present actions.

You cannot save anyone from themselves.

I cannot be a martyr to my own hopeless romantic tendencies.

Some people can never be helped, because they cannot help themselves. I walk past the same woman that sits on the corner of whitley and hollywood week after week; but this time, someone had given her a pillow, which she decided to let lay by her feet, while her head rested flat on a thin towel covering the pavement..

People use music as an excuse to let their brain turn to useless putty. I've been going to MI long enough to assess the overwhelming number of students with personality conflicts left unattended, subsequently polluting their every interaction. Their speech is meaningless, relationships skin deep, and perception of the world limited to something found on Sesame Street. They can name all of Metallicas albums without blinking, but ask them to name the last five presidents, the three branches of government, the role of the U.N., NATO, NAFTA treaty, for God's sake the current PM of Britain, Russia, the top three religions internationally, the concept of a greek tragedy, comedy. Western Literature, Eastern Cultures... it goes on and on. I grow tired of the shallowness, because it sucks me dry after awhile as well.


Music is stimulation, but so is knowledge, community, introspection, and any other form of expression and communication. There are no excuses anymore for a lack of knowledge or understanding. How can you hope to play infront of thousands of people if you do not have the slightest hint of how to speak privately with friends and strangers alike, let alone on a public stage.

You can't jump into a pool and not get wet. In the same mindset, you cannot wield the arts, and all that they stand for, without the will and the mind and the responsibility required to make it timeless and universal. People look to celebrities for answers, because in the spotlight should be someone greater than what they may find in themselves, but it remains untrue all too often anymore.

there, I'm done complaining.

goodnight.

words

I spent a little too long recording last night. How do I know? because my studio headphones overheated and started shocking my ears, and I couldn't read the midi keypad as I programmed a bass line into my song.
It's been a very long time since I've written anything really worth a damn. So long so that I had forgotten what it was to really start creating something that brings joy into my life.

Joy, that word so shrouded and elusive.

Apathy, an act of inaction that has paralyzed my entire life for a very long time. I've come to find that the answers do not find themselves and that the heavens don't rent open anymore raining angels and relief.

I had a talk with my youngest sister, who is 28. A talk I will carry long in my heart.

When your friends fade away, as I've come to find a natural progression of life, your family is still there. The bonds are strong, even if you are only half related. My sister is sharply perceptive of the human mind, intent, hesitation, desire, she has the ability to see through it all to the more absolute end. My oldest brother is much the same way, but as I've come to find, we are more like each other in nature, even though we grew up 11 years and hundreds of miles apart. My middle sister is nurturing, caring and loving and more relational to my heart. They are each a shining emblem of our mother who possesses all these things. They have shown me the truer meaning of love because they practice it with great precision. For all of our spectacular failures, we are successful.

My other siblings, from my father, i do not know as well. My oldest sister I hardly know, but to me she is a pillar, a fighter, strength against what the worst in this world can serve to any one person. Sadly my other two brothers I have not spoken with in more years than I can really remember. It goes both ways in communication though.

Family, a difficult road we traversed for almost two decades. But in the end of all these things that should not be, we are blessed with wisdom, with knowledge, education, love, support, and 9 beautiful nieces and nephews.

This word "love". We need a better word, more words to describe the different connotations. Or perhaps if we all strived toward the more true meaning of it that we all deep inside understand, a new word would not be necessary.

And that is the love that I am working towards. Beyond the realm of bitter tears, beyond the world of fairy tales, that which is beyond my consideration of it at this present time.

What is falling in love? On the eve of a painful anniversary I begin to see the shallowness of my life in trying to understand that question. I've been away from myself for as long as that day, I dont remember what day it was this last september, but I came back to my better self, and with it so have the blessings.

Some call it running, searching. others, an identity crisis, confusion, falling from grace. But someone has shown me how none of that matters, refusing to judge by the reaction to circumstance, but rather by the heart and the truer nature, the final outcome. What she would call it, I'm not so sure.

"I've been a mess since we've known each other. You've cared for me through the lowest point in my life, the one consistent thing I had when my life and heart was falling into oblivion. I havent been able to see a good thing sitting right before me all this time...
I just can't believe you've been this patient with me
I mean, what almost 2 years now?"

--i guess some things are worth waiting for---


Certainly my path has been one twist after another, but I've come to see them all as blessing, and all my fault, all to bring a better end through much trial. I can't confess that I have been patient, more like the screaming kid in the backseat of the car on the way to the surgery ward.

So to those who have lost themselves, their ideals, and much of what they once knew and thought they loved, you certainly are not alone. The space of planets cannot keep you absent for long, the sun still comes up in the east, the air is still fresh upon the breeze, and sooner or later you'll find your way back to yourself.

Maybe not this september, or the next, but what is the point in faith if we never use it?

Moving in a year

So, since I am taking the weekend away from playing because of a flare up of tendonitis, I have sat down most of today trying to figure out where to go in about 10 and a half months from now when I am done with MI. Literally, I will be able to move anywhere in the world, and that's kind of a daunting task. I've narrowed it down to 4 cities and want some input...

Los Angeles

London

Nashville

New York City

Currently I am leaning toward Nashville, but some of the best Universities are in New York. I'm quasi settled into Los Angeles, and London would be an amazing chance to start a whole new life, with millions of people I've never met. Comments pa lease!

Nights at Boardners

I lost myself in Hollywood last night. I believe now, that It is impossible to live here and not in some way become assimilated to the culture. I swore I wouldnt go out on Halloween, that I would stay indoors, but now that the hangover has subsided I am kind of glad that I did. It was truely a spectacular sight. Literally thousands of people on Hollywood Boulevard. Like a busy afternoon on 5th avenue in New York during christmas season. The brazen display of sexuality doesnt even bother me anymore, sluts, all of them, showing their true colors as their ass hangs out from the short skirts of their outfits. The men shallow and simple, long forgetting their full potential.

My roommates and I went out just to see the mass, the herd of party animals cleverly disguising their confessions of immorality and failures in the fabric of costumes. But, as always, no matte the occasion, we end up at our favorite pub, Boardners. I think I go there because everytime it ends up being some twisted story that makes me feel as though I'm living a seinfeld sitcom, or even more like "how I met your mother." The only place in hollywood most of the first time visitors miss, and the cheapest drinks any time of the week.

Oh I guess I behaved myself. Really, as I meet random people from all over the U.S. and we sing eighties classics at the top of our lungs, standing outside getting some air, I always feel this overwhelming sense that I'm not here for some one night stand, some random play in a dark parking lot, a drink too many that leaves might leave me hanging over the toilet most of the night and next morning. No, there is something deeply interesting in the people I meet, their stories, what it is that brought them to that bar that night, and what makes them act the way they do. A few hours away from MI, away from my guitar, away from the apartment.

It's tough to understand why people act the way they do when their 4 or 5 drinks in and many more to go. Why it is that even if I've had too much I rarely act out or make an idiot of myself. When your the only one in the room still in control of your emotions, your step, your speech, you see the human world almost through a kaleidescope. At times disgusting yes, but other times deeply intriguing and yet somehow, I see that even though my new found "friends" have no confession of faith, the fingerprint of the Almighty is still upon them, though they cannot see it in the mirror.

Somehow in the midst of all the partying, it only took a few hours with a few people to begin to restore my hope in the better goodness of people. Realizing that the goodness comes not from them, but because it is written somewhere on their heart and will not be silenced.